Sorry I Didn't Forgive You

I am no stranger to forgiveness. Not only have I screwed up many times and had to ask for forgiveness from others, but I have been screwed over many times and had many people ask me for my forgiveness. The crazy thing is, although we often ask for forgiveness and offer forgiveness to others, many times we don't permit ourselves to actually receive the forgiveness being offered to us.

If I hurt someone, apologize, and receive forgiveness for my actions - this does not automatically mean that I have received their forgiveness. Just because they say "I forgive you", does not guarantee that my heart has had a turning point to where I actually receive their forgiveness - and in return, forgive myself. The responsibility of being forgiven is equally shared between two parties: the person extending it, and the person receiving it. Often, when forgiveness is offered, our hearts are too hardened by our own shame and disappointment in ourselves to actually receive it. But that, my friends, is another topic for another day. For today, I'd like to take you back to Sunday service at Shoreline City: September 1st, 2019.

Pastor Ben was speaking, I was taking notes. I had invited some friends, and they sat next to me. I was feeling pretty snazzy and had taken my time on my makeup that morning (lol come on Anna, you know better than that...). I don't usually cry at church - or in public, for that matter. But when Pastor Ben said that he had a turning point when he went to his dad and asked his dad to forgive him for all of the time Ben had spent harboring unforgiveness, my heart stopped. Tears pooled in my eyes and then spilled down my cheeks. I usually sit as close to the front row as I can... but that day I was SO grateful for being late - and for finding myself tucked up high in the dimly lit balcony.

I went home, my heart feeling heavy and burdened. Did my hurts still feel fresh because I too had been hurt - and had I let that hurt turn to unforgiveness? I recalled something that had happened weeks before when my dad had pulled me aside and told me that he was proud of me. This was a moment that should've caused me to beam with joy in celebration - but instead, had caused me to ugly cry in my car for half an hour. This was not the response of a healed heart - and yet, since I had already both forgiven my parents and asked for forgiveness for my digressions, I thought I had done my part. Wrong.

Skip a few days down the week to Thursday. I had my first video call with Nisan - also known as "The Fitness Preacher". Nisan is the author of a book called "Born Gifted" - and he has a coaching program where he teaches people to identify, develop, and walk in their spiritual gifts! During our call, Nisan (quite randomly, if you ask me) mentions that sometimes to fully heal from things, it takes going to the people you had unforgiveness towards; and asking them to forgive you for your unforgiveness.

I hoped he didn't see the tears pooling in my eyes, but his words hit hard. They were confirmation. I couldn't ignore my reaction to what Pastor Ben said anymore, and I definitely couldn't ignore what Nisan was telling me. I had no harsh feelings towards anyone,  and no unforgiveness currently residing in my heart. But yet, I knew that I needed to have that conversation with my dad.

Today is Saturday. 4 hours ago, my family met up for dinner. We went to a coffee shop after, and at the end of our night I pulled my dad aside. I told him that I had held onto unforgiveness towards him, and that I was sorry.  I told him that I am now aware that parents, just like us, are also someones . children. The way their parents raised them directly influences the way that they raise their children. My dad was military, and has always had a no-nonsense policy. For so long, I penalized him for it and mistakingly interpreted it as lack of warmth - instead of understanding that this is what worked on him. Structure and firm discipline were the very essence of what formed my dad into the dedicated, creative, innovative,  and hard-working man that he is today. My dad is not just a hard worker,  he's relentless in taking care of his family and the people around him. He's gutsy and brave; he takes (calculated) risks - and they generally pay off. I'm so grateful that I picked up that trait from him. My mom is an incredibly hard worker as well. She loves to serve people, and has a knack for making anyone, anywhere -  feel welcome. She loves people deeply, she is smart and hospitable and warm; and although she has a really soft heart, she's also a super feisty, sassy, Irish New Yorker that you do  NOT want to mess with.  I'm glad I got that trait from her. I'm so proud of my parents. Together they own / are a part of multiple companies and business ventures - and where my dad might be the "brains" behind the operations, my mom is definitely the heart of them. 

All of this to say: sometimes, it's not as simple as just forgiving someone. Sometimes, there are other steps that need to taken. Whether it's holding on to unforgiveness towards others, or even towards yourself - it is crucial to recognize the damage that unforgiveness can do to your heart. Make sure that not only do you forgive those you've held onto unforgiveness towards - but consider that maybe, if you still haven't fully healed - you are being called to a deeper level of forgiveness. Maybe now, it's time to humble yourself to receive forgiveness... for your unforgiveness. 

Stop Earning People's Love

My relationships with people have always been SAFE. I've always been 0 or 100, hot or cold, yes or no. I've never really experienced a relationship in between with someone. I'm either for you, on your team, rooting you on... or I'm not. And to be quite frank, there are very few times I can think of where I HAVEN'T been on someones team. If I wasn't on someones team, chances are it had something to do with them tearing down someone else.... who's team I actually was on. I might have a tendency to be a bit over - protective....

See, when I tell you I'm 0-100, it explains a LOT of aspects of my life - but one in particular I'd like to focus on today; love.

I love HARD. I'm not talking about the way that most people refer to loving hard, when they say that they fall hard and fall fast... when I say that I love hard, I mean that I love RIDICULOUSLY, dangerously, recklessly, mistakingly hard. I love people so hard that I can completely lose myself and sabotage myself in those seasons. I take peoples burdens on as my own. I love, knowing that I might get burned, but walking into the fire anyways because I believe that maybe I can be the rescue they need. Maybe I can be the one person that can pull them out of their hurt and give them hope again. If they've been burned by love before I want to show them how good and pure love actually can be - and I want to show them in any and every way that I know how. I've lost myself loving people like this before, and tonight the Lord showed me why.

A lot of people can say that I've taken care of them or loved on them in a time where they were down or struggling; what they don't know is that all the while when I was loving on them and the many around them, I was actually setting myself up to earn their love before they ever had a chance to offer it.

See, I've never been good at receiving anything (except maybe constructive criticism LOL). I don't know how to receive sincere compliments (I blush, get awkward, my smile gets really forced and painful looking), I don't know how to receive presents (I automatically start thinking about how I can compensate for the gift without them knowing), and I'm DEFINITELY not good at receiving ANY praise or recognition for something I don't feel I deserved. So when you start talking about receiving love... my approach to it has always been more of a defense mechanism then it has been actually receiving it. My solution was just to earn everybody's love before they had a chance to offer it, - and to earn as much love as I could from as many people as I could. That way, if I ever came to a place in my life where I needed love, I knew that I had some "stored up" that I had earned that I could use. It's like I wanted all these people to feel like they had some sort of debt to me just so if I needed something I could ask and not feel like I was asking for something I didn't deserve to receive. I didn't even realize that although my intentions and my heart were pure, somewhere along the line of my life I stopped allowing myself to experience pure, unmerited, humbling, LOVE.

Recently, when I was feeling insecure, I sincerely cried out to God. I told Him I wanted to see what He saw in me every time I looked in the mirror. Later that day, I was in my room listening to some music, and one line seemed louder then the rest. The line said "It's alright, it's okay, so don't stress go to your knees". That line just seemed louder then the rest and I felt like God was telling me to get on my knees. The second I did, I was overcome with emotion. I'm talking, tears-pouring-down-your face crying - barely having enough oxygen to breathe but also feeling like for the first time in FOREVER you can ACTUALLY breathe. I realized how much I had been missing out on. All of the sudden I realized that there was so much more to God's love - I had just never taken the chance to sit at His feet and allow Him to show me. I didn't let anybody love on me without some sort of repayment. With God, there's nothing I can give Him that He NEEDS. God isn't lacking in any area that I excel in, so there's nothing I can offer Him or do to make Him "owe" me. I'm not capable of contributing ANYTHING that has ANY importance to God EXCEPT my heart.

As all of this began to settle in, I started looking at the friendships/ relationships I've had in the past. I looked at some of the things that I had done to make myself feel like I had earned their love; the things I had done to save up love. I even looked at the confusion and disappointment I had caused when people in turn tried to love me and I wouldn't accept it. I didn't "need" it yet - I was "okay" without it so I kept my distance. God reminded me of one particular example. I was dating a guy, and he had done some things that had caused some serious damage to my heart. Because I had been wounded, I had subconsciously decided that if I wanted to continue in this relationship, the only way to do it was to accept that I would love him through this season but I would not rely, depend on, or accept his love beyond the surface. He couldn't come near my heart anymore, he had lost that right. And I thought it was okay, cause I thought it was just "for a season" while he found his healing.

One day we were crossing a street, and the little hand on the crosswalk light started blinking. I sped up, and he reached out for my arm to hurry me along. I reacted, big time. I yanked my arm away and gave him a look that said "Back up, I don't need your help!". My reaction surprised us both. Later that day when we talked about it, I realized what I had been doing. I didn't trust him to be careful with my heart anymore, I didn't want his help anymore and I didn't want his love. I didn't need it so I didn't want it. And just like he was trying to lovingly guide me across the street and I jerked away, I had been jerking away from his attempts to show me love. I didn't want to lean on someone who I felt would let me down. Maybe I was right, because humans are bound to let us down. But that's not the case with God.

With God, I've never been scared that He'll let me down; I've been scared that I will let Himdown. I know how that feels. I know what it's like to have someone do the same thing to you over and over; and every time they come back you believe that it's going to be different and then you end up crushed and disappointed. I know that heartbreak. And I don't want to do that to God, I don't want to break His heart. But the truth is, the pain that I thought I would be inflicting on God by letting Him down was actually microscopic compared to the pain NOT coming back to Him caused. God already knows that I'm going to let Him down again. He knows it's going to happen over and over and over again, I'm weak and I'm human and THAT'S WHY THERE'S JESUS. That's WHY Jesus died. Not for the one time I sin; but for all the times after I supposedly "learned my lesson" that I STILL choose to sin;  barely having enough energy to crawl back to the altar and ask Him to forgive me again. It's not supposed to be a picture of love that excuses sin or gives you "flexibility" to make bad choices, it's a picture of love that knocks you off your feet and keeps you SOBBING in your bedroom for hours when you truly get a glimpse of it. That's the love God the Father offers, that's the message of salvation. That's the only love that will ever satisfy us and that's what every relat
ionship in our lives should be modeled after.

So now, we move forward. We examine our relationships, friendships, and we examine our relationship with God. What relationships have required that we earn the love we're shown - and was that expectation brought on by them, or simply by ourselves and our own pride, unwilling to accept undeserved love?

We're called to love - but we can't love to the capacity we were made to until we feel the capacity of the love we were made THROUGH. In my personal training business, if I walk around telling people how exercise has made me so healthy but I never actually exercise myself, they won't really believe that exercise is essential to health. Even if they take my word for it, they're always going to believe that there's another way because I'm not living up to it; I'm not practicing what I preach. They need to see the transformation. If you love people but you have never allowed yourself to experience the fullness of God's love, some people might actually take your word for it; but they're also going to believe there's another way. You have to be 100% in. You have to receive what you're offering, you have to LIVE it out so they see that receiving His love is the ONLY way to get the love they want. God's love is the ONLY way to being fulfilled and content - it's the ONLY way to experience pure, unlimited, untapped JOY. So what are you waiting for?

If like me, you've never really been able to fully experience the love of God... or maybe you accepted His love a long time ago but you've never just sat as His feet and let Him give you undeserving love... these are some steps He showed me to start receiving it:

1) Let Go of Your Pride. 
You're going to let God down, get over it. You're not immune to that, you're not exempt from failures, you're going to mess up and you're going to have to ask His forgiveness. Just know that if it doesn't look good yet, HE ISN'T DONE YET.
"And I am sure of this, that He who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ." - Philippians 1:6

2) Let Go of Convenient Disobedience. 
Forgiveness is not offered so you can keep making the same mistakes. If accepting his love is so hard for you because you're confident that you're going to let Him down again, you need to make some practical changes to your lifestyle so that you don't continue to make the same, stupid mistakes. Even Jesus had to DEVELOP obedience. Obedience is developed by making hard decisions that aren't fun and aren't comfortable; and by HUMBLING yourself enough to make them. It's not about me - it's about my call and my testimony. I don't care if I let myself down temporarily by saying no to something that might create temptation - I'm NOT going to chance letting God down.
"And being found in human form, he (Jesus) humbled himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross." Philippians 2:8
"What shall we say then? Are we to continue in sin that grace may abound? By no means! How can we who died to sin still live in it?" - Romans 6:1-2

3) Let Go of Shame. 

You cant use your shame to slow your RUN back to the cross. Run - SPRINT - every time! EVERY single time He is waiting for you to come back, no matter how stupid you've been. EVERY time He greets you with open arms and offers you the BEST because you're his CHILD. Just like the story in the Bible of the prodigal son... when the son blew all of his inheritance and he said,"I will arise and go to my father, and I will say to him, “Father, I have sinned against heaven and before you. I am no longer worthy to be called your son. Treat me as one of your hired servants.”’ And he arose and came to his father. But while he was still a long way off, his father saw him and felt compassion, and ran and embraced him and kissed him. And the son said to him, ‘Father, I have sinned against heaven and before you. I am no longer worthy to be called your son.’But the father said to his servants, ‘Bring quickly the best robe, and put it on him, and put a ring on his hand, and shoes on his feet. And bring the fattened calf and kill it, and let us eat and celebrate. For this my son was dead, and is alive again; he was lost, and is found.’ And they began to celebrate." - Luke 15:18-25

God is waiting for you to come back, and He's waiting to pour his love on you. Undeserved, unexplainable, unlimited, and unfathomable. It's time to receive.

SEX.

Well… I got your attention didn’t I? Today’s blog is about something incredibly personal… my past experiences with sex and where it has brought me today: December 19^th, 3:11AM, laying in bed still awake because my mind won’t stop processing my past.

GUILT; FEAR OF DISAPPOINTMENT; FEAR OF FALLING SHORT; FEAR OF LETTING SOMEONE DOWN; all of these were the factors pulsing through my veins in that moment.

See, my past experiences with sex have not been healthy.

My first experience: The guy I was dating at the time forced it in and told me that it was my fault because I had constantly teased him and never “took care of him” sexually. He told me that “blue balls are painful” – that after a man is turned on, if the situation isn’t “rectified” (LOL) that there was a lot of discomfort for the guy.

Years later, it happened again. I had a couple drinks that night; I didn’t even remember going home with the guy I had met. And when I woke up next to him half dressed and fully ashamed, it took everything I had inside of me to hold the tears in until I got to my car. I got to my car; sobbed, bawled, opened the door and wretched. And then… I “toughened up”. I hardened. I realized I had places to be and things to do and I had to ignore this. I had to focus elsewhere. I had to be strong. I wiped my face, put the car in drive, and moved forward.

Multiple times after that I found myself in situations where I had lost control. Situations where the guy would push me for sex and I would say no but then he would start doing what I had told him not to and I would just stop resisting. I’d say no a few times or even maybe just once sometimes but I would feel so bad because I would remember that first experience – I would remember that this was my fault. I had put myself in a bad position, so I wouldn’t fight it anymore. I would just tune out and go numb because I knew if he was turned on then I had confused him and it was my fault he deserved to get some. I felt like I had done this to myself, like I deserved it. And I just tuned out and went numb. Sometimes I cried silent tears, and sometimes I just froze and stayed still.

Years later, I found myself in a serious relationship - one that I was deeply invested in for all the wrong reasons. I knew that lust was a huge driver in the relationship; it had been from early on. But we had bonded and “soul tied” and I knew him and I felt his pain and understood his heart. I had seen his brokenness and I just wanted to heal it and help it and bring him to where I knew he could be. He had been done wrong by so many people and I just wanted to show him what kindness and compassion looked like. He was handsome and sweet and I saw all of the beautiful parts of him; I wanted the best for him.

The last night we were technically together, we were in a sticky situation. We hadn’t told his family that we were breaking up due to the circumstances surrounding the situation, and so that night we were with his family we danced together and laughed and had fun (and drank, a LOT…LOL).  Whatever it took to put on my happy face and appear composed; whatever it took to wipe my face, put the car in drive and keep moving.

That night when we got back to the hotel room, I couldn’t do it anymore. We had been pretending all night. We started kissing but my heart was shattered. I said stop. He, knowing my past, told me “so you’re just going to turn me on and leave me like this”? He got angry. He complained that he was going to have to go to the bathroom and handle it himself and I said okay and started sobbing into the pillow. He came back out, persisting that I not leave him like that and I take care of him. So I did. We had sex, and I was crying the whole entire time: shaking, broken, vulnerable. But the next day, around his family - I wiped my face and kept moving forward.

That seems to be the common theme, huh? Every time I have these traumatic events, I put a face on and I move forward. I never express my brokenness. I never stand up for myself. I never leave the car in park, I never ask for help, and I DEFINITELY never give myself an allowance for pain. I never allow myself to HEAL.

If you have a flat tire, it starts with a noise/ imbalance/ a weird feeling in the car. If you keep driving, there’s only so much rubber on the tire before you start grinding the rim. Once you’ve made it to the rim you have very little time before your rim is bent and shredded and you find yourself spinning out of control. I think for a very long time, I’ve been driving on a rim. I think I’ve been really close to spinning out of control because I just want to act like nothing has happened and keep moving forward. And somehow, by the grace of God, that rim has stayed and I’ve kept moving forward- shaky, imbalanced, but seemingly safe moving forward. But it’s time to pull over.

It’s like I’ve been scared to pull over because I know that the second I do, I have to deal with the damage that I’ve been driving on for so long. I know I’ve made things worse, I know I ignored the warning signs, and I’m scared to see the mess I’ve made and the damage I’ve caused. And I couldn’t help but wonder who else out there has been driving around on their rim.

FAST FORWARD to my last relationship. I remember one day, driving to Joshua’s and getting a flat tire. I called Josh and told him, and he told me to stay put; he was coming to change my tire for me. I’m independent so I wanted to have the tire changed before he even got there. But my jack was broken -  I didn’t have the right tools. I was unprepared. Josh showed up and changed my tire and I remember getting in my car after and just sobbing. I felt so loved and so overwhelmed and undeserving. I remember seeing him on the ground under my car getting dirty, changing my tire when I knew I was perfectly capable of doing it myself if he just gave me the tools, but accepting that he loved me enough NOT TO LET ME.

See, we’re so scared to pull over because we think we’re going to have to fix the damage we’ve caused. The truth is, when we pull over, not only has God been waiting on the side of the road for us, but He’s not just going to give us the tools so we can get dirty / fix things on our own. The second we stop driving and let God handle our situation, He gets on the ground and starts going to work. He’s the one getting His hands dirty, He’s the one doing the work, He’s the one cleaning up our mess and we just stand there protected and safe… watching as He handles things.

We think we have it so bad because of the mess that we’ve made and the messes we live in. We get in these pity parties and we focus on all the negatives but the King of Kings, the most High and the most Royal is waiting to lay down for us- to get His hands messy cleaning up after US. He fixes our problems, no matter what it takes. He fixes the tire or tows the car or replaces the rim or WHATEVER the proper analogy is here – He just HANDLES it. And we stand there, watching. YEAH we’re stressed, yeah we’re emotional, but HE HANDLES IT. But He can NOT handle it while you’re still driving. You HAVE to pull over. You HAVE to let Him handle it. You HAVE to stop driving. It’s not strength anymore, it’s stupidity. You can not keep driving on a busted tire, and you cannot keep trying to love with a broken heart.

When souls have been tied, it takes a lot of intentional love and restoration and fixing that can only come from the Father. There is a healing process that has to take place when the souls are ripped apart. You cannot keep driving through this process.

Step back. Let Jesus heal your heart. He died for you. He loves you. He heals you.

“He was despised and rejected – a man of sorrows, acquainted with deepest grief. We turned our backs on him and looked the other way. He was despised, and we did not care. Yet it was our weaknesses he carried; it was our sorrows that weighed him down. And we thought his troubles were a punishment from God, a punishment for his own sins! But He was pierced for our rebellion, crushed for our sins. He was beaten so we could be whole. He was whipped so we could be healed. All of us, like sheep, have strayed away. We have left God’s paths to follow our own. Yet the Lord laid on him the sins of us all. He was oppressed and treated harshly, yet He never said a word. He was led like a lamb to the slaughter. And as sheep is silent before the shearers, he did not open his mouth. Unjustly condemned, he was led away. No one cared that he died without descendants, that his life was cut short in midstream. But he was struck down for the rebellion of my people. He had done no wrong and had never deceived anyone. But He was buried like a criminal; He was put in a rich mans grave. But it was the Lord’s good plan to crush him and cause him grief. Yet when his life is made an offering for sin, he will have many descendants. He will enjoy a long life, and the Lord’s good plan will prosper in his hands. When He sees all that is accomplished by his anguish, he will be satisfied…” (Isaiah 53:3-11)

God’s not done with you. He has a good plan. What you think is the death of you and what you think is the end is God’s good plan. What you think has been stolen is going to be restored. It SEEMED like Jesus’ life had been stolen, like he wouldn’t have descendants and like His life was over so YOUNG. But now He is alive and well at the right hand of the Father and He has many descendants – every person that He died for that decides to STOP DRIVING and let JESUS take over becomes His descendant.  Jesus WANTS you to let go of the burdens you’ve been carrying and let Him handle your life. Let him make your story beautiful.  He’s ready to do the work… you just have to pull over.

“Come to Me, all who are weary and heavy burdened, and I will give you rest.” (Matthew 11:28)

Beautifully Broken.

I cant believe he did it. He didn't fight back. He could've saved himself.. But he didn't. He walked right into it. Knowing what the consequences were, he threw himself directly into the line of fire. And that was the end of it, right? There was no solution to death and no hope of normalcy again.  A tragic ending to all who loved him; a beautiful life being beaten and broken until... there was no life left.

And here I stand, beautifully broken.

Nothing about being broken FEELS beautiful. It's not beautiful when you question your worth daily. It's not beautiful when your heart is racing with anxiety even when you're sitting still. It's not beautiful when you feel your defensiveness raise all the while knowing it's for no particular reason. Nothing feels beautiful about knowing if you were to be hugged tightly for long enough you would dissolve into a puddle of tears; fighting yourself not to push everyone who might care enough to do so away.

None do that is beautiful at all. But what's coming is.

Today is Good Friday. We celebrate the day that Jesus died on the cross. I can't imagine what the people around Him were thinking. The disciples, His family. There's no way they could understand what was happening. They saw Him do great miracles, and yet He walked into custody and took the rap for things He didn't do! Was it their fault? Was Jesus hurting more than they realized? They probably noticed He had been more tense leading up to that day... but could they have done something to prevent this? Should they have tried harder?! Could they have stopped their Lord from laying down His life?!

Did they know what they would have broken if they did?!

And then the next 3 days. It felt like a living hell. If you've ever lost someone you know how it feels. Your heart feels so heavy. Every memory and moment replays in your head. Breathing seems harder. Accomplishing anything feels pointless. And your mind doesn't stop taunting you with questions you will never be able to answer. Jesus' friends thought it was over. They didn't realize a breakthrough was coming.

Well, I've had those moments in my life.  I've had those dark times where I've felt so broken. But those broken times didn't last forever. And Jesus' body was not broken forever. Maybe right now you feel broken.... But I'm writing this to offer you hope; the same hope Jesus has offered me in my broken moments. Just like those miserable 3 days for the disciples before Jesus rose... Maybe these are your 3 days. This season of your life might feel like hell; or maybe it feels worse. Maybe you have no hope and maybe you've given up; but this is NOT the end. There WILL be a resurrection. You WILL be restored. You will RISE from this - YOU WILL NOT STAY DOWN and YOU WILL NOT STAY BROKEN. Being broken will only continue as long as you keep your life in your own hands instead of putting it in Jesus'.

See, us being broken doesn't stop God from making us into His masterpiece. When a potter is making a vessel, and something goes wrong, he doesn't throw away the clay. He simply throws some water on the clay and continues to mold it- the clay never leaving his hands. God the Father doesn't throw you away when you're broken. He embraces you. You are never too broken; too marred - to stop being His masterpiece. You're never too broken to be beautiful - because you are in the Fathers hands! He is molding you into something beautiful. You are His masterpiece; and He will NEVER go of you!

If you feel broken, know that Jesus died for you! He was broken so you could be whole. Don't try to do this on your own. Your hands aren't strong enough to fix your life. Only God the Father can raise you up and only the Father can make you whole. Give Him your life; let Jesus make your brokenness beautiful!

"So I went down to the potter’s house, and I saw him working at the wheel. 4 But the pot he was shaping from the clay was marred in his hands; so the potter formed it into another pot, shaping it as seemed best to him." - Jeremiah 18:3-4

"For we are God’s masterpiece. He has created us anew in Christ Jesus, so we can do the good things he planned for us long ago." - Ephesians 2:10

"Yet you, LORD, are our Father. We are the clay, you are the potter; we are all the work of your hand." - Isaiah 64:8

"But he was pierced for our rebellion, crushed for our sins. He was beaten so we could be whole. He was whipped so we could be healed." - Isaiah 53:5

This Post is Not About You, But It Might Be For You...

Wednesday. I wake up at 3:30AM. Probably 3:35 because I usually sleep through my alarms and wake up on my backup alarm. I wish I could do my hair but it's still a little wet because I didn't get to shower till past midnight and rolled into bed shortly after. I throw on foundation to cover my skin (it's broken out from an allergic reaction and won't clear up because the stress I'm under) and quickly change into my work uniform. I pack my bag for the day: clothes for school, workout clothes, and glasses because my contacts never last as long as I do. I grab my lunchbox (with the meals I prepared 4 hours before) and head out the door.

By the time I get to work at Golds, my spirits are lifted. Worship does your soul so much good. It's 4:30A.M. and the gym opener arrives. I get inside, write up training programs, and then start training. As soon as I finish training, I rush downstairs, change into clothes for school and rush to school.

As soon as I get to school I clock in. 8:30A.M- 7PM. I need to graduate so I take a few 5 minute breaks throughout the day but never a lunch. I'll have 2-4 coffees but the caffeine doesn't effect me anymore. I service client after client, my passion for hair and beauty lost in my exhaustion. I feel unwelcome bitterness towards my role but never towards my customers. I ask Jesus to soften my heart but yet I know I won't allow Him to because if He did I might break.

I get out of school and drive straight back to work at Golds Gym. I service a couple more clients. I take pre-workout to give me energy and I kill my workout. I go home. If I had enough money to grocery shop the days before I cook food. If not I go to the grocery store and figure out what I can afford to eat for tomorrow. I get home, I cook, clean up, shower, and get ready to repeat it all tomorrow.

Who's making me to do this? Nobody. But I know what I need to do to make it, I know what I need to do to survive. And I know this is just a season in my life. But I've lost the fire behind it because I have no more fuel. I am burned out. I am exhausted and every day I am fighting to stay awake, to stay positive, to be a light.

Jesus never asked me to live like this. Jesus wants me free. Jesus wants me whole; rested; revived. But how can I do that when every time I'm in His presence I feel like I'm playing catch up; how can I do that when every time I'm with Him I fall asleep? It's hardly a relationship when I can't do my part, right?

WRONG.

That's not what this faith is about. That's not what this relationship is based on. If my relationship with Christ was based on my works then it wouldn't even exist in the first place. There's not enough money in the world to buy His love, not enough good works to merit His grace and mercy and not enough effort to earn His attention. BUT HE IS STILL THERE. FIERCELY, RELENTLESSLY pursuing me. Not giving up. Longing for me. Treasuring our moments. Crying when I cry. Loving me endlessly. Fighting on my behalf. Blessing me. Speaking to me RIGHT NOW even though I know I don't deserve the reassurance. Harnessing me in. Reminding me of the simple fact that when I feel too weak to hold on.. It's okay, because He's not going to let go.

Jesus will not let go of you because you feel like you aren't doing enough. He's with you; He's FOR you - because He died for you. And He would do it again. He doesn't chose when to love you because He always loves you. He sees your heart. That's what He's been reminding me today. Don't be discouraged. Jesus is still pursuing you. It doesn't matter what season you're in because He isn't asking you to carry the burden alone. He said "Come to ME all who are weary and heavy burdened and I will give you rest." (Matthew 11:28) And He will give you the strength to come to Him!! "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." (Philippians 4:13)

So no matter what's going on in your life, KEEP GOING TO JESUS. If you can't RUN, walk. If you can't walk, crawl. If you fall, Jesus will strengthen you. You can keep going. Know He loves you. Know it isn't about what you give Him but what He gave you. He gave you hope, restoration, rest, peace; He gave you eternal life.

So with that being said, stop waiting. Lean on Jesus. Start living.

Xoxo,
Anna Quinn

Dear Young Woman

I've made a ton of mistakes in life. As a result of those mistakes, I've suffered a lot of consequences and had to face and overcome a LOT of challenges. One thing I've learned though is that Jesus would never let me go through something if He didn't intend to bring glory from it (Romans 8:28). One thing that I have graciously come to terms with is that my past and my mistakes were not only meant to make me stronger in Christ and to have a deeper understanding of His ever-compassionate grace and mercy; but I made my mistakes so that one day I can help someone else steer clear of the paths that I took. 2 Corinthians 12:9-10 says it pretty well: "So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ can work through me. That's why I take pleasure in my weaknesses, and in the insults, hardships, persecutions, and troubles that I suffer for Christ. For when I am weak, then I am strong."

If I could write myself a letter, go back in time and deliver it to myself and save myself from all those mistakes... I'm not sure I would. Jesus knew I was going to make those mistakes and still CHOSE me and CREATED me and DIED for me. So although I would never wish to change the past (even though I would love to take back the hurt I inflicted on my loved ones), I hope some young woman out there reads this and takes to heart what I learned through my mistakes. I hope someone hears this and I hope it makes a difference. If I could write myself that letter... This is what it would say:

_________________________________________________________________________________

Dear Young Woman:

Chances are, you are reading this at a time when you are trying to figure out who you are. Let me tell you, first and foremost, 

#1) You are God's daughter. You are royalty. No matter what the world tells you, no matter what the kids say or what the emotions in your head say; no matter what the billboards portray those other women as, YOU ARE GODS CHOSEN. Royal. It says so in 1 Peter 2:9. And a true royal is not stuck up or cocky, but she is learning confidence, humility, and how to be a servant. True gracefulness and poise comes not from having people serving you, but learning how to serve others and how to to LOVE doing it. Serving others (and ultimately Christ) will bring you joy on the days you feel unwanted and depressed and devalued because you will receive a gift that no words of confirmation can bring - you will receive the gift of someone's joy when they are blessed by YOU. You may think right now receiving is a beautiful thing, and it is; but you have the heart of your Father! It's in your DNA to love serving others; and when you serve others, you connect with Jesus in a way you have never experienced before. "For even the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve others and to give his life as a ransom for many." - Matthew 20:28

#2) You are not required to fight for God's love. Gods love is a crazy thing because we are so used to feeling like we have to fight for love and acceptance. But God is not asking you to do that. God is fierce. He proved His point in the loudest way possible by sending His Son to die for you (John 3:16).

God will not only fight your battles with you, but God will fight FOR you - to keep you as His daughter. He isn't wimpy. He's strong and fierce and brave and when things get tough, all you have to do is call on the name of Jesus and you will find refuge. "He will cover you with His feathers and shelter you with His wings; His faithful promises are your armor and protection." -Psalm 91:4 // "The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still." Exodus 14:14

#3) Go easy on your parents - they're still learning! Just as much as you think they expect YOU to be perfect, often we expect our parents to be perfect too. But even though they are our authority and our examples, truth is, sometimes they feel terrified for you. They know how hard this world is and they know that people are out to use you, to walk all over you, to take advantage of you, and those people are willing to pretend to be your best friends in order to do so. Listen to your parents about your friends (Proverbs 1:8). They pick up on things. Even though those friends might be helping you get away with things behind your parents' backs, the guilt you feel is forming a wall between you and your loved ones. Honesty and reconciliation is the only thing that is going to break that wall down. As long as you live in secret and sneak around you are continuing to stack bricks on that wall and there will continue to be that hardness in your heart towards everyone on the other side. You may not realize it now, but you are building bitterness and resentment towards them because sin is fun - and if you're having to do it behind their backs then that must mean they just don't want you to have fun, right? WRONG. They just know the cost of those things. It's not just a drink of alcohol or a kiss from a hot guy, its a careful dance with the devil - one you think you can control but never will be able to. Which leads me to my next point... 

#4) If your sin wasn't fun, you wouldn't keep doing it. Satan makes sin as fun  so possible to keep you bound. But sin ALWAYS requires MORE from you. Everytime you have to go further, you need a little more. You get "so close" to feeling "satisfied" and you know that maybe if next time you drink more or party more or "live it up more" you'll reach that point of distraction - oops, I meant satisfaction - but I promise you it will never be enough. You will always need more. Jesus is the only thing that will ever satisfy you. If you truly want to feel weightlessly joyful and complete, give your heart to JESUS. "The Lord is my strength and shield. I trust him with all my heart. He helps me, and my heart is filled with joy. I burst out in songs of thanksgiving." -Psalm 28:7

#5) There will always be boys that want you. Whether you are aware of it or not. But you cannot truly be happy with someone until you are happy WITHOUT someone. If you jump into a relationship or flirtationship while you are still unsure of who you are, you are going to begin to depend on that person to define your beauty. When they aren't around to reassure you, all those little insecurities creep back up and torment you. 1 Peter 3:3-5 says that "Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as braided hair and the wearing of gold jewelry and fine clothes. Instead, it should be that of your inner self,the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God's sight." Work on THAT, and you'll find somebody worth your time. But don't rush it. Love is exciting, but even though "The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit." Psalm 34:18, if you fall for the wrong person, you end up giving a piece of your heart away. And although Jesus can always restore what's been broken, why give the enemy that foothold in your life? He doesn't realize that he's been defeated and he will try to throw those awful things back in your face. You don't need to be fighting off shame every day of your life. Jesus wants you to live a free, ABUNDANT life. 

And finally,

#6) Enjoy YOUR journey with Jesus. Not your parents, not your youth pastors; make it PERSONAL. Parents and pastors can point you to the right places in scripture to start, but find out who Jesus is calling you to be - find out what it takes to be Jesus' best friend and learn to thrive in that. Talk to Him often. Get to know His heart. "Always be joyful. Never stop praying. Be thankful in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you who belong to Christ Jesus." 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18​. You have to learn to ENJOY life. And the only way to en(JOY) life is to experience the joy that comes from life with Jesus; to live how you were made to: in constant praise and worship of Jesus. When you do that, you will always have the peace that comes with it and you will ALWAYS know the love of your Father. Know that in ANY situation you can praise Jesus and watch your chains fall off. Just like Paul and Silas did in Acts 16! If you feel bound, PRAISE JESUS. Watch your chains fall off. And watch the chains on others around you fall off. The joy of The Lord is not only contagious, but the joy of The Lord is our STRENGTH. 

Trust in Jesus - He knows what He's doing!

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding." Proverbs 3:5

 "For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope." Jeremiah 29:11

"Commit your work to the Lord, and your plans will be established." Proverbs 16:3

"The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you; He will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged." Deuteronomy 31:8 

"Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." Isaiah 41:10

"Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer." Romans 12:12 

Love,

Someone Who Already Learned (and is still learning!) ❤️

  

Hey, You Wear That Jesus Well!

I had some free time today on my lunch and I was able to scroll down my Facebook newsfeed! As I was scrolling I saw a few posts that I had to hide from my feed, and a few posts that made me feel really gross about what my generation is like. It challenged me not only to pray for this generation more... but to thank Jesus for the people that are still pursuing Him wholeheartedly - the people that encourage me and inspire me. The people I see Jesus in and the people I want to be like! So instead of focusing on the people conforming to the expectations and temptations of the world, I want to take a second to focus on the people that SHINE and the people that are transforming their lives to look like Jesus more and more every day; the people that inspire me, encourage me, and truly make a difference each day they live! I want to brag on the people that show Jesus and the people that strengthen me and bring me joy (even though I don't tell them often enough). These are just a few people who's hearts shine and I wanted to spotlight!

@Bethany Krawietz - This girl is dedicated to her studies. I truly admire how smart she is! She works hard, studies hard, and she's going FAR! She has ambition and drive and she knows what it's like to push yourself and to lean on Christ to strengthen you enough to get you through! Thank you Bethany for living out Phillippians 4:13 with your life!

@Mario Guerra - This guy has a passion for REVIVAL. He's an open vesssel at all times ready to be used by Jesus to shake the world up! I have no doubt in my mind that there is any place that The Lord would call him to that he wouldn't go to. He would give his life for his King and to see this world encounter JESUS! And that's a vision I stand behind! Thank you Mario for living out Isaiah 6:8 with your life!

@Audrey Self - This girl has always been artistic, dedicated, bright, and has always excelled in everything she does! As long as I've known her she's set high goals and taken every step needed to meet them! The last year for her has been a harder climb then anything I can imagine but she hasn't given up! She still shines, she's dedicated and she's a hard worker! She's developed endurance- and she's developing more every day! Every time I see her beautiful face light up my newsfeed I'm reminded to keep working, no matter how hard things seem! Endurance is a beautiful thing! Thank you Audrey for living out James 1:4 with your life!

@Jami David - One word: authentic. This beautiful lady is authentically full of JOY! I haven't spent a ton of one-on-one time with this woman but she has impacted my world in ways she hasn't realized as I've watched her vibrantly live for Jesus! Down to earth, fun, beautiful, and FAITH FILLED- everything she posts is authentically and UNIQUELY her. She's a servant, a worshipper, and loyal - but the thing that I thank Jesus for is her JOY. Jami, you are beautiful - and your joy encourages me from 300 miles away. You show the world what a praiser looks like every time you step on stage to use your gifts for Jesus as well as all the moments you're off-stage. Thank you for living out Psalm 28:7 with your life!

@Francis Isibor - How many times has this guy dug into the Word of God; how many times has he gone out to Whataburger with people from TBI (or out with people in general) solely with the purpose of talking about Jesus and sharing what he's being shown? I couldn't count the times I've seen him sharing wisdom and seeking wisdom, and to be honest if you asked him he probably couldn't count them either. Francis is close to the Fathers heart and is wise beyond his years! I admire that so much - because with every piece of wisdom Francis gains he gains a better understanding of our Father's heart! Not only that, but he's always ready to share what The Lord is showing him! Thank you Francis for living out Colossians 2:2-3 with your life!


@Bridgette Watson - I want to be fearless. I want to be adventurous - to have a heart for the world, and to be the unique person that God created me to be. I want to stand out - to be DIFFERENT and beautifully unique. Whether this girl is raising money for human trafficking, posting her OOTD, or loving on her parents, her STYLE is there, her mark is is there - and she is making her beautiful impression on this world by being the beautiful person Jesus has transformed her into! She stands out because she is FEARLESSLY HERSELF! Thank you Bridgette for living out Romans 12:2 with your life!

@Abby Burchfield - This woman radiates Jesus. Whether it's in her persistence, her purity, her patience, or her dedication to Jesus, she radiates the very purity and innocence that comes from being completely in love with your Savior. She is elegant and ladylike and truly is a role model for young women and mature women alike! She truly radiates Jesus by the way she intentionally chooses to live for Him daily and that beautiful radiance is something I admire and strive after! Thank you Abby for living out Psalm 37:6 with your life! (PS, NLT hits the nail on the head ;D)

Thank you all for all you do! You've shown me Jesus and I know I'm not the only one you're showing Him to. Never stop growing, never stop living out Phillippians 2:13!

Your friend,
Anna