Sorry I Didn't Forgive You

I am no stranger to forgiveness. Not only have I screwed up many times and had to ask for forgiveness from others, but I have been screwed over many times and had many people ask me for my forgiveness. The crazy thing is, although we often ask for forgiveness and offer forgiveness to others, many times we don't permit ourselves to actually receive the forgiveness being offered to us.

If I hurt someone, apologize, and receive forgiveness for my actions - this does not automatically mean that I have received their forgiveness. Just because they say "I forgive you", does not guarantee that my heart has had a turning point to where I actually receive their forgiveness - and in return, forgive myself. The responsibility of being forgiven is equally shared between two parties: the person extending it, and the person receiving it. Often, when forgiveness is offered, our hearts are too hardened by our own shame and disappointment in ourselves to actually receive it. But that, my friends, is another topic for another day. For today, I'd like to take you back to Sunday service at Shoreline City: September 1st, 2019.

Pastor Ben was speaking, I was taking notes. I had invited some friends, and they sat next to me. I was feeling pretty snazzy and had taken my time on my makeup that morning (lol come on Anna, you know better than that...). I don't usually cry at church - or in public, for that matter. But when Pastor Ben said that he had a turning point when he went to his dad and asked his dad to forgive him for all of the time Ben had spent harboring unforgiveness, my heart stopped. Tears pooled in my eyes and then spilled down my cheeks. I usually sit as close to the front row as I can... but that day I was SO grateful for being late - and for finding myself tucked up high in the dimly lit balcony.

I went home, my heart feeling heavy and burdened. Did my hurts still feel fresh because I too had been hurt - and had I let that hurt turn to unforgiveness? I recalled something that had happened weeks before when my dad had pulled me aside and told me that he was proud of me. This was a moment that should've caused me to beam with joy in celebration - but instead, had caused me to ugly cry in my car for half an hour. This was not the response of a healed heart - and yet, since I had already both forgiven my parents and asked for forgiveness for my digressions, I thought I had done my part. Wrong.

Skip a few days down the week to Thursday. I had my first video call with Nisan - also known as "The Fitness Preacher". Nisan is the author of a book called "Born Gifted" - and he has a coaching program where he teaches people to identify, develop, and walk in their spiritual gifts! During our call, Nisan (quite randomly, if you ask me) mentions that sometimes to fully heal from things, it takes going to the people you had unforgiveness towards; and asking them to forgive you for your unforgiveness.

I hoped he didn't see the tears pooling in my eyes, but his words hit hard. They were confirmation. I couldn't ignore my reaction to what Pastor Ben said anymore, and I definitely couldn't ignore what Nisan was telling me. I had no harsh feelings towards anyone,  and no unforgiveness currently residing in my heart. But yet, I knew that I needed to have that conversation with my dad.

Today is Saturday. 4 hours ago, my family met up for dinner. We went to a coffee shop after, and at the end of our night I pulled my dad aside. I told him that I had held onto unforgiveness towards him, and that I was sorry.  I told him that I am now aware that parents, just like us, are also someones . children. The way their parents raised them directly influences the way that they raise their children. My dad was military, and has always had a no-nonsense policy. For so long, I penalized him for it and mistakingly interpreted it as lack of warmth - instead of understanding that this is what worked on him. Structure and firm discipline were the very essence of what formed my dad into the dedicated, creative, innovative,  and hard-working man that he is today. My dad is not just a hard worker,  he's relentless in taking care of his family and the people around him. He's gutsy and brave; he takes (calculated) risks - and they generally pay off. I'm so grateful that I picked up that trait from him. My mom is an incredibly hard worker as well. She loves to serve people, and has a knack for making anyone, anywhere -  feel welcome. She loves people deeply, she is smart and hospitable and warm; and although she has a really soft heart, she's also a super feisty, sassy, Irish New Yorker that you do  NOT want to mess with.  I'm glad I got that trait from her. I'm so proud of my parents. Together they own / are a part of multiple companies and business ventures - and where my dad might be the "brains" behind the operations, my mom is definitely the heart of them. 

All of this to say: sometimes, it's not as simple as just forgiving someone. Sometimes, there are other steps that need to taken. Whether it's holding on to unforgiveness towards others, or even towards yourself - it is crucial to recognize the damage that unforgiveness can do to your heart. Make sure that not only do you forgive those you've held onto unforgiveness towards - but consider that maybe, if you still haven't fully healed - you are being called to a deeper level of forgiveness. Maybe now, it's time to humble yourself to receive forgiveness... for your unforgiveness. 

Stop Earning People's Love

My relationships with people have always been SAFE. I've always been 0 or 100, hot or cold, yes or no. I've never really experienced a relationship in between with someone. I'm either for you, on your team, rooting you on... or I'm not. And to be quite frank, there are very few times I can think of where I HAVEN'T been on someones team. If I wasn't on someones team, chances are it had something to do with them tearing down someone else.... who's team I actually was on. I might have a tendency to be a bit over - protective....

See, when I tell you I'm 0-100, it explains a LOT of aspects of my life - but one in particular I'd like to focus on today; love.

I love HARD. I'm not talking about the way that most people refer to loving hard, when they say that they fall hard and fall fast... when I say that I love hard, I mean that I love RIDICULOUSLY, dangerously, recklessly, mistakingly hard. I love people so hard that I can completely lose myself and sabotage myself in those seasons. I take peoples burdens on as my own. I love, knowing that I might get burned, but walking into the fire anyways because I believe that maybe I can be the rescue they need. Maybe I can be the one person that can pull them out of their hurt and give them hope again. If they've been burned by love before I want to show them how good and pure love actually can be - and I want to show them in any and every way that I know how. I've lost myself loving people like this before, and tonight the Lord showed me why.

A lot of people can say that I've taken care of them or loved on them in a time where they were down or struggling; what they don't know is that all the while when I was loving on them and the many around them, I was actually setting myself up to earn their love before they ever had a chance to offer it.

See, I've never been good at receiving anything (except maybe constructive criticism LOL). I don't know how to receive sincere compliments (I blush, get awkward, my smile gets really forced and painful looking), I don't know how to receive presents (I automatically start thinking about how I can compensate for the gift without them knowing), and I'm DEFINITELY not good at receiving ANY praise or recognition for something I don't feel I deserved. So when you start talking about receiving love... my approach to it has always been more of a defense mechanism then it has been actually receiving it. My solution was just to earn everybody's love before they had a chance to offer it, - and to earn as much love as I could from as many people as I could. That way, if I ever came to a place in my life where I needed love, I knew that I had some "stored up" that I had earned that I could use. It's like I wanted all these people to feel like they had some sort of debt to me just so if I needed something I could ask and not feel like I was asking for something I didn't deserve to receive. I didn't even realize that although my intentions and my heart were pure, somewhere along the line of my life I stopped allowing myself to experience pure, unmerited, humbling, LOVE.

Recently, when I was feeling insecure, I sincerely cried out to God. I told Him I wanted to see what He saw in me every time I looked in the mirror. Later that day, I was in my room listening to some music, and one line seemed louder then the rest. The line said "It's alright, it's okay, so don't stress go to your knees". That line just seemed louder then the rest and I felt like God was telling me to get on my knees. The second I did, I was overcome with emotion. I'm talking, tears-pouring-down-your face crying - barely having enough oxygen to breathe but also feeling like for the first time in FOREVER you can ACTUALLY breathe. I realized how much I had been missing out on. All of the sudden I realized that there was so much more to God's love - I had just never taken the chance to sit at His feet and allow Him to show me. I didn't let anybody love on me without some sort of repayment. With God, there's nothing I can give Him that He NEEDS. God isn't lacking in any area that I excel in, so there's nothing I can offer Him or do to make Him "owe" me. I'm not capable of contributing ANYTHING that has ANY importance to God EXCEPT my heart.

As all of this began to settle in, I started looking at the friendships/ relationships I've had in the past. I looked at some of the things that I had done to make myself feel like I had earned their love; the things I had done to save up love. I even looked at the confusion and disappointment I had caused when people in turn tried to love me and I wouldn't accept it. I didn't "need" it yet - I was "okay" without it so I kept my distance. God reminded me of one particular example. I was dating a guy, and he had done some things that had caused some serious damage to my heart. Because I had been wounded, I had subconsciously decided that if I wanted to continue in this relationship, the only way to do it was to accept that I would love him through this season but I would not rely, depend on, or accept his love beyond the surface. He couldn't come near my heart anymore, he had lost that right. And I thought it was okay, cause I thought it was just "for a season" while he found his healing.

One day we were crossing a street, and the little hand on the crosswalk light started blinking. I sped up, and he reached out for my arm to hurry me along. I reacted, big time. I yanked my arm away and gave him a look that said "Back up, I don't need your help!". My reaction surprised us both. Later that day when we talked about it, I realized what I had been doing. I didn't trust him to be careful with my heart anymore, I didn't want his help anymore and I didn't want his love. I didn't need it so I didn't want it. And just like he was trying to lovingly guide me across the street and I jerked away, I had been jerking away from his attempts to show me love. I didn't want to lean on someone who I felt would let me down. Maybe I was right, because humans are bound to let us down. But that's not the case with God.

With God, I've never been scared that He'll let me down; I've been scared that I will let Himdown. I know how that feels. I know what it's like to have someone do the same thing to you over and over; and every time they come back you believe that it's going to be different and then you end up crushed and disappointed. I know that heartbreak. And I don't want to do that to God, I don't want to break His heart. But the truth is, the pain that I thought I would be inflicting on God by letting Him down was actually microscopic compared to the pain NOT coming back to Him caused. God already knows that I'm going to let Him down again. He knows it's going to happen over and over and over again, I'm weak and I'm human and THAT'S WHY THERE'S JESUS. That's WHY Jesus died. Not for the one time I sin; but for all the times after I supposedly "learned my lesson" that I STILL choose to sin;  barely having enough energy to crawl back to the altar and ask Him to forgive me again. It's not supposed to be a picture of love that excuses sin or gives you "flexibility" to make bad choices, it's a picture of love that knocks you off your feet and keeps you SOBBING in your bedroom for hours when you truly get a glimpse of it. That's the love God the Father offers, that's the message of salvation. That's the only love that will ever satisfy us and that's what every relat
ionship in our lives should be modeled after.

So now, we move forward. We examine our relationships, friendships, and we examine our relationship with God. What relationships have required that we earn the love we're shown - and was that expectation brought on by them, or simply by ourselves and our own pride, unwilling to accept undeserved love?

We're called to love - but we can't love to the capacity we were made to until we feel the capacity of the love we were made THROUGH. In my personal training business, if I walk around telling people how exercise has made me so healthy but I never actually exercise myself, they won't really believe that exercise is essential to health. Even if they take my word for it, they're always going to believe that there's another way because I'm not living up to it; I'm not practicing what I preach. They need to see the transformation. If you love people but you have never allowed yourself to experience the fullness of God's love, some people might actually take your word for it; but they're also going to believe there's another way. You have to be 100% in. You have to receive what you're offering, you have to LIVE it out so they see that receiving His love is the ONLY way to get the love they want. God's love is the ONLY way to being fulfilled and content - it's the ONLY way to experience pure, unlimited, untapped JOY. So what are you waiting for?

If like me, you've never really been able to fully experience the love of God... or maybe you accepted His love a long time ago but you've never just sat as His feet and let Him give you undeserving love... these are some steps He showed me to start receiving it:

1) Let Go of Your Pride. 
You're going to let God down, get over it. You're not immune to that, you're not exempt from failures, you're going to mess up and you're going to have to ask His forgiveness. Just know that if it doesn't look good yet, HE ISN'T DONE YET.
"And I am sure of this, that He who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ." - Philippians 1:6

2) Let Go of Convenient Disobedience. 
Forgiveness is not offered so you can keep making the same mistakes. If accepting his love is so hard for you because you're confident that you're going to let Him down again, you need to make some practical changes to your lifestyle so that you don't continue to make the same, stupid mistakes. Even Jesus had to DEVELOP obedience. Obedience is developed by making hard decisions that aren't fun and aren't comfortable; and by HUMBLING yourself enough to make them. It's not about me - it's about my call and my testimony. I don't care if I let myself down temporarily by saying no to something that might create temptation - I'm NOT going to chance letting God down.
"And being found in human form, he (Jesus) humbled himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross." Philippians 2:8
"What shall we say then? Are we to continue in sin that grace may abound? By no means! How can we who died to sin still live in it?" - Romans 6:1-2

3) Let Go of Shame. 

You cant use your shame to slow your RUN back to the cross. Run - SPRINT - every time! EVERY single time He is waiting for you to come back, no matter how stupid you've been. EVERY time He greets you with open arms and offers you the BEST because you're his CHILD. Just like the story in the Bible of the prodigal son... when the son blew all of his inheritance and he said,"I will arise and go to my father, and I will say to him, “Father, I have sinned against heaven and before you. I am no longer worthy to be called your son. Treat me as one of your hired servants.”’ And he arose and came to his father. But while he was still a long way off, his father saw him and felt compassion, and ran and embraced him and kissed him. And the son said to him, ‘Father, I have sinned against heaven and before you. I am no longer worthy to be called your son.’But the father said to his servants, ‘Bring quickly the best robe, and put it on him, and put a ring on his hand, and shoes on his feet. And bring the fattened calf and kill it, and let us eat and celebrate. For this my son was dead, and is alive again; he was lost, and is found.’ And they began to celebrate." - Luke 15:18-25

God is waiting for you to come back, and He's waiting to pour his love on you. Undeserved, unexplainable, unlimited, and unfathomable. It's time to receive.