It's been a long time since I've blogged. So first let me just run you through a quick little update of what's been going on with me!
This summer I am on staff at Discovery Camp in Columbus, Texas. I have been given the opportunity to reach thousands of children and be a part of them meeting their Savior in a completely new, personal way. Over one thousand kids have already accepted Jesus as their Savior. It's SO cool. I grew up as a camper at this camp, and the older I got as an intern at this camp. Serving as an intern blessed me SO much over the years and I couldn't wait to be on staff. I was so ready to serve. I knew it'd be hard, I knew I would probably forget what 8 hours of sleep felt like, and I definitely knew I would never take my momma's cooking for granted again. But the thing that I didn't expect, the thing that my heart was NOT prepared for, were the enemy's attacks.
Now, I could probably spend this whole blog giving you the details of all that's come against me since I've been here (like the financial issues, the girl I work with who thinks it's fun to call me stupid and tell me to shut up, the (stupid) constant dissatisfaction with my body I've been battling, or even the car wreck and pain I've been in since). But let me instead just tell you the things that have actually succeeded to discourage me or stop me from what Jesus has called me to: oh wait... that's NOTHING.
You see, the enemy has no power. He never has. The only power he has over you is the power YOU hand him. I decided before this summer that I wouldn't let the enemy prevail, I wouldn't give him any power, and I wouldn't let his petty efforts touch me. You see, satan can't create anything new. He came to steal, kill, and destroy, but he did not come to create. Just like Adam and Eve gave him power when they gave in, we give him power when we give into temptation. Then, after we have surrendered and given things to Jesus, the devil comes back and uses that power we once gave him to try to tempt us again. But it doesn't work UNLESS WE LET IT. Unless we give in. And the power the devil has tried relentlessly to take over me, is the power of doubt, insecurity, and shame. Not doubt, or shame of my Savior- but doubt and shame of myself. The devil constantly throws my mistakes, my shortcomings, and my trip ups in my face. And every time I look at them, every time I look at my life, I get discouraged. My joy starts to run a little on empty. See, I want to please my Savior. I want to be on the right track and I don't want to be giving into temptation or giving the devil any power over my life. And when I look at my life and the mistakes I've made, I see how unworthy I truly am; when I start to look at my unworthiness, instead of my value in Christ, I get discouraged.
You see, the devil can attempt to destroy Christians all he wants. But wouldn't it make his job so much easier if instead of destroying Christians, he just made a bunch of fake Christians? Then we'd essentially do his job for him. Instead of having less Christians, we would have a bunch of corrupt Christians- claiming to be walking the walk but going through the motions without the hearts behind it.
I was tempted to look at me, when all I needed to be looking at was the cross. I could look at the times I had stumbled, the times I have deliberately chosen to do the wrong thing this summer, and all of the thoughts that I shouldn't have thought- or I could look at the blood that covers them. I could look at the anguish I'm feeling and the guilt pressing down on me, or I could picture those very same emotions pulsing through the blood of Jesus- the blood that dripped off Him as his life was drained so mine could be full. You see, whenever I look at me, I get disappointed. But when I look at Jesus... sweet, sweet Jesus... I see grace. I see forgiveness. I see love. I see acceptance. I see HOLY.
Another way to look at it is like this: when a builder is building a house, he's looking at a blueprint. He's constructing this house, room by room, trying to make it match this blueprint. Picture that blueprint as Jesus, and our lives are the house. We are constantly constructing our lives to match a blueprint. But what if the builder stopped about halfway through, looked at the house and at the blueprint, saw that it didn't look the same- and got discouraged? What if he gave up building because it wasn't finished yet?
Well, that's our walk with Jesus. We are constantly building ourselves to look like Jesus. And sometimes, when we stop and look at our progress, we get discouraged because we don't see the finished house yet. Maybe we're still working on individual rooms, like the "room" of compassion for other people, the room of grace and mercy, the room of purity, the room of serving others. But we can't stop building just because we aren't finished yet. We have to keep on, constructing board by board, room by room, until we look just like Jesus. The enemy wants to discourage us. He wants us to give up and stop building, thinking "this project is too big, I'm never going to finish", when the truth is, if we just take our eyes off of US and put them back on the blueprint (JESUS) and keep building, we will start looking more and more like Jesus. We will have less insecurities, less doubt, less fear, and we will enter into a romance with Jesus unlike anything we have ever imagined. So as I stood there, looking at myself, looking at my mistakes, looking at all my flaws, Jesus whispered to me: "Stop looking at yourself, stop looking at your progress, and look at ME. Look at the blueprint."
You see, it was never the sin in my life that was the problem anyways. (I know what you're thinking, but bare with me for just a minute). It wasn't the sin, but it was the heart behind it. It wasn't about me throwing up to keep the weight off, it was about the control I needed and the fear of the opinion of others. It wasn't about me crying and moping because somebody made me feel like crap, it was about me listening to their voice more than I listened to Jesus', the voice that told me I was wanted, loved, cherished; pursued. And even to take it a little further, it wasn't about talking back to my daddy when he spoke to me; it was about me not trusting the Holy Spirit to be my advocate and to defend me. Once I fix my heart on God, once I learn to keep my eyes on Jesus all the time and NOT on my own life and my mistakes, time is gonna fly. My house is going to be built so much faster and before I know it, my house is gonna look like the blueprint. I long to see that day. But until then, I'll keep pressing in. Keep loving Jesus. Keep constructing my life, board by board, room by room. I might stumble, but I'm not gonna focus on that. I'm focusing on making my heart like Jesus', I'm focusing on the cross, and I'm focusing on the blueprint. Because I don't know any greater joy than a life lived to pursue Jesus and to look like Jesus. In case you haven't noticed, He's pretty cool. And He's the best at what He does: loving people. And that's a legacy I'd love to leave.
"For God is working in you, giving you the desire and the POWER to do what pleases Him." -Philippians 2:13
