If you read the title of this without bursting out into the One Direction song, I'd be pretty impressed- cause ever since I typed that title I haven't been able to get the chorus out of my head.
My last blog, I became victim of what I like to call "conceited blogging". To be honest with y'all, when I saw that the first day my blog went up it got over 450 hits, I instantly felt like a celebrity; like people were actually curious about what I had to say. I let it feed my ego a little, and the very thing that I was blogging about (identity) was the very thing I began to misplace. I placed my identity (that day) into a sea of words that probably should've just stayed scribbled out in my journal as a personal letter to Jesus.
But "tonight", at 1:29am as I toss in bed, one specific topic plagued my mind. (Actually, to be honest, I made myself coffee at 11:20pm and I haven't even thought about sleep even though I have to be up for church in 5 hours). But the topic that I'm stuck on just happens to be BEAUTY.
I guess this ones gonna be mostly for the girls; but not just any girl. This blog is for the girls who don't want to just grow up to be "women", but want to grow up to be ladies. This ones for the girls who want to be virtuous, who want to be brave; this ones for the girls who still believe in chivalry and class. CLASS is still attainable. Lady-likeness is still attainable. And, believe it or not, even if you can't sew, being a Proverbs 31 woman is still possible (that's why Jesus created seamstresses, even if you aren't one I bet you know where to find one).
I saw this video (link will be on the bottom of this blog), and it was a Dove video about redefining SELFIES. Selfies, of all things. And it really got me thinking. I think about all the little things I do in selfies. And not just selfies, all pictures really. I think about how I self consciously stick a leg out to flatter my body or how I try to stand on the left side because that's where my sidebangs fall on my face and it looks prettier; I think about how I suck in or how I open my eyes wider, how I tilt my head and how I place my hand on my waist to emphasize my smallest parts... and I realized, pictures are so posed. I know you're probably thinking, "duh Anna". But stay with me a minute.
Pictures are so posed. And where do we get our definition of beauty from? Images. Sure, a part of it comes from seeing other girls; girls that are skinnier than us, that wear less makeup than us and still look "less ratchet" then us (oh and by the way, I'm guilty of this too, but in case you weren't aware, a "ratchet" is a tool, not an adjective)... But my point is we constantly are comparing ourselves to that "one in a million shot" that was taken of a model and airbrushed and posed but yet what we compare ourselves to is what we see when we get out of the shower and our faces are red and splotchy and our mascara from the night before has dripped under our eyes and we look like zombies. And then we look in the mirror and we see all these other images of beautiful people flash through our heads... but they are POSED. They aren't necessarily fake (although some are), but they are POSED.
I want to challenge you in a few different ways, because this has what Jesus has put on my heart personally to do. Here goes:
1) Stop comparing your worst to somebody else's best. I realize it's human nature to compare, and although I don't agree with it, I know it's how our minds work. So here's my (hopefully) very realistic challenge. Next time you find yourself comparing yourself to somebody else, I want you to 1) STOP. And then next, I want you to get on the cutest outfit you have, I want you to curl your hair and put on your blush and favorite lipstick and whatever else you like to put on that gorgeous canvas of yours, and then I want you to check yourself out. GIRLLLLL, you be lookin' good. And instead of focusing on the features of that other chick, I want you to focus on YOUR beautiful features. How great you feel in those jeans or that skirt. Pay yourself 5 compliments. You deserve it girl. And might I add, those jeans make your tush look GREATTTT ;)
2) For every feature you don't like, find one you do like. Pretty self explanatory, right? But next time you find yourself staring at that awkward bacne (and for those of you who don't know what that is, those are back pimples that girls sometimes get when they decide to use horse shampoo instead of human shampoo as an experiment to make their hair grow... or at least that was what happened to me one summer- I WILL NEVER GO BACK)...anyways where was I? Next time you find yourself staring at those imperfections, I want you to time yourself. I'm serious. You want to look at your bacne, your big nose, your cellulite, fine. But I challenge you to take twice as much time looking at a feature you love. Look at those sparkly eyeballs. Or those deep chocolate pools of yumminess that girls with dark brown eyes have. Take a second to stop staring at the love handles and look at your neck. Your hands. Your ankles. Your ears. Your hair. That freckle on the inside of your arm that you've always thought was really cute. Focus on the things you like. The more of those you find, the less those little other things will seem to matter.
3) Don't be afraid to smile. No matter who you are, no matter what your smile looks like, I believe a girl is most beautiful when she is happy. I don't care if you have the least amount of confidence in the world. Do what makes you happy. I mean let's be blunt for a second- even if you were "the ugliest person on the face of the planet", putting the right outfit and right amount of makeup on is only gonna help so much. But if you pursue happiness (my favorite form is actually joy and that's through JESUS...), and you are truly content with who you are and the life you live, you will be absolutely radiant. Confidence, joy, happiness, and peace? Those are what I believe defines beauty, because I believe beauty is actually radiance.
So be radiant, ladies. Shine. Know who you are in Christ. Don't take anything less than you deserve. Stop looking at your insecurities and look to Jesus.
"The Lord is my strength and shield. I trust Him with all my heart. He helps me, and my heart is filled with joy. I burst out in songs of thanksgiving." -Psalm 28:7
I don't know about you, but that verse is pretty beautiful to me. And I can't picture anyone who isn't absolutely beautiful and radiant praying that prayer. So I guess I'm adding one more challenge... make Psalm 28:7 YOUR prayer. Become radiant. Because radiance makes you beautiful.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BFkm1Hg4dTI
Sunday, January 26, 2014
Wednesday, January 22, 2014
I Wannabe a Wannabe.
I think I'll start this blog off by apologizing for the cheesy title. Is "wannabe" an actual word? I'm not sure but I'm probably going to use it a lot today so this is my official disclaimer: if grammar errors severely bother you than this would be your opportunity to stop reading...
I've struggled a lot with identity lately. I don't know who I am exactly, and I still haven't figured out my style. But you wanna know why? I struggle with this SO MUCH because I've grown up in a world that tries to put us into specific groups. If you wear Ray Ban glasses, skinny jeans, scarves and denim jackets you’re a hipster. If you wear a flannel t-shirt tied around your waist and combat boots, you’re urban. If you wear a hat backwards and low jeans, you’re a thug (…well maybe that last one isn’t too off ;]) . But this world constantly tries to define us by our image, our style, and our peers. That’s not right!
So obviously I would have trouble if I'm seeking for my identity through this world. So what's the opposite of this world? Jesus. And that's where I'm seeking for my identity in now.
You see, this world constantly tells us that our image is defined by who we fit in with. But I challenge that. I'm telling you instead, your image is defined by who (and what) you stand against. I'm not attempting to fit in with any group anymore. My only goal is to be like Jesus. Ephesians 4:15 says "Rather, speaking the truth in love, we are to grow up in every way into Him who is the head, into Christ."
We are to grow up to be like Jesus. Did you know that it is possible to be fully consumed with Jesus? We can be exactly like Jesus! That's why Jesus had to be born as a human. To show us that it IS possible to be like Him. So it's no longer me trying to fit into a mold, now it's me letting Jesus mold me into Him. And how do I do that? By reading the Bible. By pursuing Jesus. By pressing into His word. By learning little stories about Jesus. By examining his character and by asking Jesus to reveal Himself to me.
I've always been the one who's stressed out about "witnessing". As Christians, we're supposed to tell people who aren't saved about Jesus. But I'm changing that for myself. Instead of that, I'm just going to SHOW THEM. I'll still talk to people about Jesus, sure. But instead of putting the emphasis on that, I'm putting the emphasis on LOOKING like Jesus. Not just talking about Him. I want to influence people, but I don't want to influence them to be like me, I want to influence them to look like Jesus.
One of the most heartbreaking memories I have is with one of my friends. One night we were hanging out. We were sitting, eating, and he was high. And he started talking to me about smoking. He was just kind of rambling, but then he told me "I know people think getting high is so wrong. But I do it because when I'm messed up, I don't think about all the crap going on in my life. I'm just happy".
I paraphrased that a little due to his choice words. But that absolutely broke my heart. I wish he could see the purpose of his life. If he knew who he was, his gifts, his talents, and what he could accomplish, I don't believe he'd still be in that place. I don't believe he'd still be sitting at a table getting stoned out of his mind and searching for opportunities to forget his sucky home life, I believe he'd rise up and CHANGE THINGS. He'd break the mold, the family curse, and he would begin to see that his life has VALUE. And that's the cry of my heart. To help others see that they have value. But how on earth can I expect to do that if I can't see my own?!
So my latest challenge? I want to learn everything about Jesus. I want to want to be like Jesus. I want to never stop thinking "WWJD", because I want my life to reflect Jesus. My VALUE was determined the day Jesus laid His life down on the cross. But my identity will be found in Jesus. And I won't stop searching until He is completely fulfilled in me. When my life reflects Jesus', maybe I won't be so concerned with what I look like, but instead who I look like.
So now? The cry of my heart? You guessed it, the title of this blog- I wannabe a wannabe. I want-to want-to be like JESUS.
I've struggled a lot with identity lately. I don't know who I am exactly, and I still haven't figured out my style. But you wanna know why? I struggle with this SO MUCH because I've grown up in a world that tries to put us into specific groups. If you wear Ray Ban glasses, skinny jeans, scarves and denim jackets you’re a hipster. If you wear a flannel t-shirt tied around your waist and combat boots, you’re urban. If you wear a hat backwards and low jeans, you’re a thug (…well maybe that last one isn’t too off ;]) . But this world constantly tries to define us by our image, our style, and our peers. That’s not right!
So obviously I would have trouble if I'm seeking for my identity through this world. So what's the opposite of this world? Jesus. And that's where I'm seeking for my identity in now.
You see, this world constantly tells us that our image is defined by who we fit in with. But I challenge that. I'm telling you instead, your image is defined by who (and what) you stand against. I'm not attempting to fit in with any group anymore. My only goal is to be like Jesus. Ephesians 4:15 says "Rather, speaking the truth in love, we are to grow up in every way into Him who is the head, into Christ."
We are to grow up to be like Jesus. Did you know that it is possible to be fully consumed with Jesus? We can be exactly like Jesus! That's why Jesus had to be born as a human. To show us that it IS possible to be like Him. So it's no longer me trying to fit into a mold, now it's me letting Jesus mold me into Him. And how do I do that? By reading the Bible. By pursuing Jesus. By pressing into His word. By learning little stories about Jesus. By examining his character and by asking Jesus to reveal Himself to me.
I've always been the one who's stressed out about "witnessing". As Christians, we're supposed to tell people who aren't saved about Jesus. But I'm changing that for myself. Instead of that, I'm just going to SHOW THEM. I'll still talk to people about Jesus, sure. But instead of putting the emphasis on that, I'm putting the emphasis on LOOKING like Jesus. Not just talking about Him. I want to influence people, but I don't want to influence them to be like me, I want to influence them to look like Jesus.
One of the most heartbreaking memories I have is with one of my friends. One night we were hanging out. We were sitting, eating, and he was high. And he started talking to me about smoking. He was just kind of rambling, but then he told me "I know people think getting high is so wrong. But I do it because when I'm messed up, I don't think about all the crap going on in my life. I'm just happy".
I paraphrased that a little due to his choice words. But that absolutely broke my heart. I wish he could see the purpose of his life. If he knew who he was, his gifts, his talents, and what he could accomplish, I don't believe he'd still be in that place. I don't believe he'd still be sitting at a table getting stoned out of his mind and searching for opportunities to forget his sucky home life, I believe he'd rise up and CHANGE THINGS. He'd break the mold, the family curse, and he would begin to see that his life has VALUE. And that's the cry of my heart. To help others see that they have value. But how on earth can I expect to do that if I can't see my own?!
So my latest challenge? I want to learn everything about Jesus. I want to want to be like Jesus. I want to never stop thinking "WWJD", because I want my life to reflect Jesus. My VALUE was determined the day Jesus laid His life down on the cross. But my identity will be found in Jesus. And I won't stop searching until He is completely fulfilled in me. When my life reflects Jesus', maybe I won't be so concerned with what I look like, but instead who I look like.
So now? The cry of my heart? You guessed it, the title of this blog- I wannabe a wannabe. I want-to want-to be like JESUS.
Friday, January 17, 2014
More Food, Please.
God made so many great things. But one of my favorite things He provided for us just so happens to be FOOD. I love food. Spicy food, sweet food, savory food, all food. And steak. In my opinion, steak doesn't really fall under the category of "food", but more under "heavenly signs, miracles, and wonders"... Oh my lantaaaaa. Is your mouth watering too?!
Well anyways. I promise didn't intend to blog about steak, but when you're a poor college student that's one of those things you fantasize about. Forget boys. I want steak.
In my last blog, I told y'all about a period of time where I tried to satisfy my flesh. I was living on the wild side, having "fun", right? Well the thing that really straight up sucks about being a Christian and living on the wild side is that you have to teach yourself how to tune out Jesus. If you want to enjoy living in the world, you have to learn to ignore Jesus' voice. And when you start ignoring Jesus' voice, not only do you not hear it when you're sinning, but it also makes it significantly more difficult to hear it when you aren't sinning as well. I stopped hearing Jesus' voice. Jesus was my best friend, and I couldn't even hear his voice.
Jesus was the person who taught me about my value. Jesus is the one who took the blades out of my hands after 2 years of a cutting addiction and told me I AM TREASURED. So you can imagine what happened when I started tuning him out and looking to others to see my value. I COULDN'T SEE IT. I had already traded in my joy for "worldly fun", so where do you think I put my identity in? This world. How stupid was I.
This world has a pretty jacked up idea of value. This world likes to tell you that value is determined by desire. But let me assure you, your value will never rest in who desires you or how much you are pursued, your value lies solely in the blood of Jesus Christ, the blood that truly would've still been shed even if you were the only one that it would save. I know it's "cliché" and people say it all the time, but it's TRUE. Jesus would've died for just YOU. That is where your value lies.
But of course the world won't tell you that. The world will tell you that you won't be desired unless you have a thigh gap, a DD chest, a Barbie sized waist and a Beyoncé sized butt. And all of the sudden I began obsessing. I used to be pretty confident. But that was when I was listening to Jesus. Suddenly instead of Jesus, the voice I heard in my head was a voice I should've never let around me in the first place. That voice told me I was fat. So I, Anna Quinn, 5'4 and 126lbs, bought into the lie that I was fat. I didn't think I could be desired. So I decided to starve myself. But that didn't work, because I'm Anna and I love food. So I began overeating. And then I would force myself to throw up. Daily. Multiple times. After I threw up, I would eat again. I literally trained myself to feel physically ill every time I ate. I developed this mindset of, "why have one cookie, when I could have three and then just throw up after?" So I began overeating and then purging. I would eat all the time. I would feel sad constantly because I would look at myself, and all I could only see where my thighs bulged out or where the excess fat was. So I would eat more, to comfort me. And then I would throw up. And then feel sad. And eat. And throw up. I would often just stare in a mirror. Sometimes I would cry. It became an endless cycle, and it was so unhealthy. I began to hate how I looked. I became bitter. If you were confident, if you were skinny, chances are I was bitter towards YOU. I'm sorry.
But tonight I laid that down at the altar. TONIGHT starts a change. And tonight, I'm HUNGRY. But not just hungry for physical food. I'm hungry for spiritual food. I want more of Jesus. Tonight I gave my heart back to Jesus. And I heard from Him. For the first time in awhile, I actually heard from my Jesus. Oh, how I missed my best friend. I missed laughing during our conversations, and then laughing even more when I realized how stupid I probably look just randomly laughing... But that's the relationship I have with Jesus. He just blows my mind. He knows my heart. And I'm learning His.
To update you, today starts a new journey. I have lots of healthy food in my fridge and I'm ready to start putting GOOD food into my body; food that I can keep in my body without any guilt. I'm sure I'll have to eat small portions at first and train myself to be able to splurge every now and then without feeling sick. But this time, I'm doing it with Jesus. I'm listening to His voice. And I'm praying that He'll teach me how to be healthy and treat my body like a temple. Because it is ;)
So as I sit here, sipping on my shake (one banana, a handful of spinach, kale, vanilla soy milk AND vanilla protein powder) which actually happens to be pretty dang good, I thank God for the food that is going into my stomach to STAY there. But even more so, I thank Him for the SPIRITUAL food that He's putting in my stomach. The revelations He's giving me. I WILL NEVER HEAR FROM HIM ENOUGH. So my prayer tonight? You guessed it; it's the title of this blog.
More Food, Please.
Well anyways. I promise didn't intend to blog about steak, but when you're a poor college student that's one of those things you fantasize about. Forget boys. I want steak.
In my last blog, I told y'all about a period of time where I tried to satisfy my flesh. I was living on the wild side, having "fun", right? Well the thing that really straight up sucks about being a Christian and living on the wild side is that you have to teach yourself how to tune out Jesus. If you want to enjoy living in the world, you have to learn to ignore Jesus' voice. And when you start ignoring Jesus' voice, not only do you not hear it when you're sinning, but it also makes it significantly more difficult to hear it when you aren't sinning as well. I stopped hearing Jesus' voice. Jesus was my best friend, and I couldn't even hear his voice.
Jesus was the person who taught me about my value. Jesus is the one who took the blades out of my hands after 2 years of a cutting addiction and told me I AM TREASURED. So you can imagine what happened when I started tuning him out and looking to others to see my value. I COULDN'T SEE IT. I had already traded in my joy for "worldly fun", so where do you think I put my identity in? This world. How stupid was I.
This world has a pretty jacked up idea of value. This world likes to tell you that value is determined by desire. But let me assure you, your value will never rest in who desires you or how much you are pursued, your value lies solely in the blood of Jesus Christ, the blood that truly would've still been shed even if you were the only one that it would save. I know it's "cliché" and people say it all the time, but it's TRUE. Jesus would've died for just YOU. That is where your value lies.
But of course the world won't tell you that. The world will tell you that you won't be desired unless you have a thigh gap, a DD chest, a Barbie sized waist and a Beyoncé sized butt. And all of the sudden I began obsessing. I used to be pretty confident. But that was when I was listening to Jesus. Suddenly instead of Jesus, the voice I heard in my head was a voice I should've never let around me in the first place. That voice told me I was fat. So I, Anna Quinn, 5'4 and 126lbs, bought into the lie that I was fat. I didn't think I could be desired. So I decided to starve myself. But that didn't work, because I'm Anna and I love food. So I began overeating. And then I would force myself to throw up. Daily. Multiple times. After I threw up, I would eat again. I literally trained myself to feel physically ill every time I ate. I developed this mindset of, "why have one cookie, when I could have three and then just throw up after?" So I began overeating and then purging. I would eat all the time. I would feel sad constantly because I would look at myself, and all I could only see where my thighs bulged out or where the excess fat was. So I would eat more, to comfort me. And then I would throw up. And then feel sad. And eat. And throw up. I would often just stare in a mirror. Sometimes I would cry. It became an endless cycle, and it was so unhealthy. I began to hate how I looked. I became bitter. If you were confident, if you were skinny, chances are I was bitter towards YOU. I'm sorry.
But tonight I laid that down at the altar. TONIGHT starts a change. And tonight, I'm HUNGRY. But not just hungry for physical food. I'm hungry for spiritual food. I want more of Jesus. Tonight I gave my heart back to Jesus. And I heard from Him. For the first time in awhile, I actually heard from my Jesus. Oh, how I missed my best friend. I missed laughing during our conversations, and then laughing even more when I realized how stupid I probably look just randomly laughing... But that's the relationship I have with Jesus. He just blows my mind. He knows my heart. And I'm learning His.
To update you, today starts a new journey. I have lots of healthy food in my fridge and I'm ready to start putting GOOD food into my body; food that I can keep in my body without any guilt. I'm sure I'll have to eat small portions at first and train myself to be able to splurge every now and then without feeling sick. But this time, I'm doing it with Jesus. I'm listening to His voice. And I'm praying that He'll teach me how to be healthy and treat my body like a temple. Because it is ;)
So as I sit here, sipping on my shake (one banana, a handful of spinach, kale, vanilla soy milk AND vanilla protein powder) which actually happens to be pretty dang good, I thank God for the food that is going into my stomach to STAY there. But even more so, I thank Him for the SPIRITUAL food that He's putting in my stomach. The revelations He's giving me. I WILL NEVER HEAR FROM HIM ENOUGH. So my prayer tonight? You guessed it; it's the title of this blog.
More Food, Please.
Thursday, January 16, 2014
My name is...?
If you had asked me three years ago, my introduction would've sounded a little like this. "I'm Anna Quinn. I'm 15 years old. I love Jesus... but I'm curious. I only know one way of life... and there are so many more out there. I'm 15 and I'm on the road to finding myself." But the thing about trying to find yourself in this world is that you end up finding exactly who you want to find; and when you're not exactly sure who you want that to be, you end up letting the world choose for you. Yeah, you can always be forgiven and restored and molded into a new creation... but you might just find yourself down the road struggling to forgive YOURSELF for the mistakes you made while on that journey. But that's a whole other story...
If you had asked me 6 months ago, I would've told you something similar. "I'm Anna Quinn; child of the Most High God. Faithful servant. But confused. I'm confused because I've seen Jesus. I've seen how amazing life with Him can be. But I still feel like I'm missing out, I feel like something hasn't been fulfilled." Little did I know that the "fulfillment" that I was so desperate for was actually the voice of the enemy tempting me to slip back into his clutches. I quickly became bitter. I lived one foot in the world, one foot out. I was reading my Bible, attending church willingly, pursuing Jesus. But I was flirting with satan; with pleasure; with satisfaction of my flesh. Without going into detail, I was looking for fulfillment in the things that I thought would distract me from my current situations. But no worries, I did a pretty good job at hiding it. I even had myself convinced I was okay. But I was slowly becoming bitter. See, I knew the things I was thinking and doing behind closed doors. I knew the thoughts I was entertaining. And you know what really tanked about it all? Passionately despising hypocrisy, and knowing that that was the very thing I had become.
I was living like a hypocrite. I was slipping. My secret struggles were eating me alive. I desired to be an example, but the only thing I became was a statistic; a statistic of someone who claimed to love God but hurt Him like they didn't even care. That is not how you treat somebody you love.
And here I am today. 18 years old. If you ask me today, my answer might sound a little like the others, but bear with me. I'm Anna Quinn. 18. And I don't really know who I am. But it's okay. Let me tell you why; I'm LEARNING. And the reason it's taking so long? I'm not deciding on who I want to be. I've already decided: I want to be like Jesus. But it's taking a little longer than average, because I have to learn every attribute of Jesus. You see, I've dedicated my whole life to learning to be like Jesus. I will never know enough about Him, and I will never be enough like Him. So it's a pursuit. Every day, I wake up and I have to consciously choose that I want to be like Jesus. I want to rejoice in what He rejoices in. I want joy like He had. I want to love this world the way He loved this world. If I loved this world like Jesus, maybe the little things wouldn't matter so much. Maybe I wouldn't have road rage, maybe my heart would fill with compassion for the people driving 5 under in the passing lane...
Okay let's not go too far. I'm just saying, I don't know who I am yet. But that's okay. Because not only do I know who I want to be like, but I know Him personally. And I have his autobiography. Sure, my flesh isn't satisfied. But the more I pursue Jesus, the more my spirit is satisfied. And I'd rather live with that satisfaction, than 360 days of discontentment and 5 nights of "fun" to attempt to satisfy a worldly desire that is only going to grow the more I feed it. And that's a place I'm completely okay with being in.
I'm Anna Quinn. 18. And I don't know who I am. But I know where to find out.
If you had asked me 6 months ago, I would've told you something similar. "I'm Anna Quinn; child of the Most High God. Faithful servant. But confused. I'm confused because I've seen Jesus. I've seen how amazing life with Him can be. But I still feel like I'm missing out, I feel like something hasn't been fulfilled." Little did I know that the "fulfillment" that I was so desperate for was actually the voice of the enemy tempting me to slip back into his clutches. I quickly became bitter. I lived one foot in the world, one foot out. I was reading my Bible, attending church willingly, pursuing Jesus. But I was flirting with satan; with pleasure; with satisfaction of my flesh. Without going into detail, I was looking for fulfillment in the things that I thought would distract me from my current situations. But no worries, I did a pretty good job at hiding it. I even had myself convinced I was okay. But I was slowly becoming bitter. See, I knew the things I was thinking and doing behind closed doors. I knew the thoughts I was entertaining. And you know what really tanked about it all? Passionately despising hypocrisy, and knowing that that was the very thing I had become.
I was living like a hypocrite. I was slipping. My secret struggles were eating me alive. I desired to be an example, but the only thing I became was a statistic; a statistic of someone who claimed to love God but hurt Him like they didn't even care. That is not how you treat somebody you love.
And here I am today. 18 years old. If you ask me today, my answer might sound a little like the others, but bear with me. I'm Anna Quinn. 18. And I don't really know who I am. But it's okay. Let me tell you why; I'm LEARNING. And the reason it's taking so long? I'm not deciding on who I want to be. I've already decided: I want to be like Jesus. But it's taking a little longer than average, because I have to learn every attribute of Jesus. You see, I've dedicated my whole life to learning to be like Jesus. I will never know enough about Him, and I will never be enough like Him. So it's a pursuit. Every day, I wake up and I have to consciously choose that I want to be like Jesus. I want to rejoice in what He rejoices in. I want joy like He had. I want to love this world the way He loved this world. If I loved this world like Jesus, maybe the little things wouldn't matter so much. Maybe I wouldn't have road rage, maybe my heart would fill with compassion for the people driving 5 under in the passing lane...
Okay let's not go too far. I'm just saying, I don't know who I am yet. But that's okay. Because not only do I know who I want to be like, but I know Him personally. And I have his autobiography. Sure, my flesh isn't satisfied. But the more I pursue Jesus, the more my spirit is satisfied. And I'd rather live with that satisfaction, than 360 days of discontentment and 5 nights of "fun" to attempt to satisfy a worldly desire that is only going to grow the more I feed it. And that's a place I'm completely okay with being in.
I'm Anna Quinn. 18. And I don't know who I am. But I know where to find out.
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