The Red Sock..(or in my case, the board shorts)

I'm terrible at laundry. Now, before you make any assumptions, my mom always did laundry for me. I remember growing up and even wanting to learn how to do laundry a few times- but every time I asked my mom if I could do my laundry (which wasn't too often, but hey, I'm a teen), she always told me "no, I haven't had time to properly show you yet." 

I went off to college with probably 2 formal "laundry-washing classes". Our machines were pretty simple, and I knew the basics; separate your lights and darks, pour the soap in here, and always make sure the washer has a chance to air dry before closing the door (take notes if this is all new to you). I knew that you had to clean the lint catcher thing on the dryer- in fact, when Lizi and I were little, we used to fight over who got to clean it because the lint was SO soft, and I even knew that certain things just had to be hung up in order to dry correctly. But I'm not sure I ever knew the importance of washing clothes in COLD water. I'm sure my mom  told me, but it was probably one of those things I tuned out (I'm working on that, but that's for another blog). 

This summer, as most of you know, I'm a lifeguard at Discovery Camp. Lifeguards have the coolest uniforms. All day, staff is in orange polos, blue shorts, and Nike Frees - but not lifeguards. For services, we get to wear orange and blues, but the rest of the time we have our own uniform. Lifeguards get to wear cool grey tank tops (so we can get "awesome" racerback tans and show off our "shredded arms"... or lackthereof), bright red board shorts, and flip flops. 

Being new to the world of laundry as I am, I decided to throw all of my stuff in together. I put my clothes in the washer along with my socks and my white undershirts, started my laundry, and went to my room. Sure enough, when I came back, I opened the washer to find a whole lot of pink socks, undershirts, and even a pink towel. At first I didn't even think the stuff was mine- it was like it had been completely changed! But as I stared at the culprit- my bright red board shorts, the frightening truth settled in- I was going to look like a valentine outfit gone wrong for the next few weeks. Dude, it's something about that color red.  

Today is Sunday. My official blogging day. As I talked to Jesus about this blog and what He wanted me to say, He told me this one thing: Bring my people back. 

Sounds cool, right? Except... I had NO idea what He wanted me to tell my readers to come back to. Every single topic I've blogged about has been something Jesus is calling me personally to- and this blog is NO exception. By the prompting of the Holy Spirit, and just straight up confusion, I pulled out my old journals. I figured, if Jesus was trying to call me back to something, a good place to go would be those old Jesus journals. As I started searching, I was led to one specific revelation. It's a revelation that until today I had forgotten about. But today, as Jesus challenges ME to come back, that revelation has become alive in me again. And this time I don't plan on letting it go. Hang tight, because I know I threw you off with that laundry story, but it's going to tie in! (Get it, tie? Cause I'm talking about laundry? LOL okay, I'm sorry, that was awful) 

I started thinking about innocence and purity. I can't think of a time in my life when it was easier then when I was just innocent and pure. And although Jesus has restored those things to me, sometimes human Anna just wishes she could go back to the innocence of a child. So as I pressed in, the Holy Spirit led me to John 19:34. It's a chapter about Jesus' crucifixion, and I know sometimes that topic stings a little, but stick with me. It says, "One of the soliders, however, pierced Jesus' side with a spear, and immediately blood and water poured out." 

It wasn't just the blood; water flowed out too. As I pressed in more, I realized how important that water was. As Christians, we always focus on the bruising of the body and the blood that Jesus shed. But Jesus wanted to take me further. I dug in, and found this passage in John: "... Rivers of living water will flow from His heart. (When he said "living water", he was speaking of the Spirit, who would be given to everyone believing in Him)..." -John 7:38-39(NLT). That's when it hit me- the living water that flowed from Jesus, the very living water that cleanses us IS THE HOLY SPIRIT- the VERY Spirit that is residing inside of US, inside of YOU, inside of ME! So not only is the Spirit inside of me, but so is it's cleansing power. And that living water not only gives me the authority and power to FORGIVE others, but also to be forgiven and cleansed MYSELF.

As I thanked Jesus for the cleansing power of His living water, He reminded me of the reason why. That water would've never flowed out of Jesus and into us if they hadn't cut Jesus' flesh; it would've never entered us without the blood. The blood was completely necessary and without it, it's impossible for us to be clean. There's something about that color red. We must FIRST accept the blood, we must first deny our flesh, and then we penetrate deep and receive the living water. They had to cut His flesh to penetrate His spirit. Jesus calls us to set aside OUR flesh; all those worldly desires and habits, and in return, his living water consumes us, cleanses us, and completes us. The Holy Spirit comes in and empowers us. But not without the blood. It's something about that color red.

Something about that color red that cleans; something about that color red that brings the water that washes and sets us free. Just like those red board shorts overtook my laundry, the blood and the water overtake us. It makes us into something totally new. I didn't recognize my laundry at first; and maybe people wont recognize us and our new-found innocence at first. But unlike tacky pink socks and undershirts, our new innocence shines bright white, free from any blemish or any past regrets. And just as Jesus challenged me today, I also challenge YOU. Come back to Jesus; come back to innocence. Accept the blood, but don't stop there. Welcome the living water. It poured out of Jesus, and He wants it to pour into YOU. He WANTS you back; He wants you to be radiant again. Jesus wants you to love Him wholeheartedly, and He wants you to never feel condemned by your past again. He wants to cleanse you. 

"When Jesus came to Simon Peter, Peter said to Him, "Lord, are you going to wash my feet?" 

Jesus replied, "You don't understand now what I am doing, but someday you will."

"No," Peter protested. "You will never ever wash my feet!"

Jesus replied, "Unless I wash you, you won't belong to me." (John 13:6-8)

It's up to you. Will you let Jesus wash you? It's time to let go of the past and regain your innocence; it's time to come back. 

Do You Even Lift?

We've all seen 'em. They're those people that walk into the gym, hair perfectly secured and styled, sporting the latest Nike Frees and latest designer gym wear. They have more of a fake tan than they have muscles and their gym membership is more of an accessory than it actually is a tool for fitness. They're the ones that hit the tredmill till they break a sweat, take a few selfies, and call it a day. Sometimes they might pick up a 5 pound dumbell, but when it comes down to it they're all show. They haven't built up the stamina or the strength to go the mile or curl anything more than the weight of their Starbucks coffee. They have a gym membership, but when it comes to lifting, they're pretty much useless. 

Now, I'm not hating on cardio. I'm not even hating on Starbuks coffee or fake tans. I actually am a fan of all of them. See, I don't have an issue with any of those things. Where my issue comes up is when it becomes an image that tricks others, and even themselves, into thinking they're fit when the truth is my dog probably has more muscle. 

Those were the people I bagged on. Those were even sometimes the people I resented. They looked so good. When  I leave the gym, my hair is usually going 97 different directions, I'm panting like an old dog, and I probably smell bad enough to kill the flowers surrounding the gym on the way back out to my car...(okay, just kidding about that last part). But it wasn't much longer after bagging on those people that Jesus showed me that I had become one of them. No, not in the gym sense, but in a much more important sense.

Allow me to go where, to my knowledge, nobody has been crazy enough to go yet. Allow me to compare my walk with Christ to a gym membership. Because I have surrendered to Jesus, I have been granted access to the Kingdom (or, in this case, my gym membership has been activated). I go to the gym as often as I please. I praise Jesus and walk in faith until I break a sweat- until it becomes a little uncomfortable, and then I call it a day. Sure, I look good going in and even good coming out. And as far as everyone there is concerned, I put in a little work. But what's the point? What's the point of going to the gym if you're not lifting weights? What's the point of going to the gym if you're not building muscle, growing? See, if I go to the gym every other day for 2 weeks and curl 15lb weights, I can guarantee you that by the next time I go to the gym, I'll have built up enough muscle to start curling 20lb weights. And if I stay consistent with that, the same way I did with the 15's, soon enough I'll be curling 25's, and 45's, and so forth. Your muscles remember what it's like to lift that weight and the more you do it, the easier it becomes to lift heavier weights. 

Well, I'm sure you guessed where I'm going with that. But it's the same way with our walk with God. We are constantly tempted with things, but because we live as "cardio Christians", only raising our heartbeat and working until we break a sweat, we never learn what it's like to lift real weights. And when real temptation comes, when the heavy weights need to be lifted, we don't know how. Our muscles haven't built up enough strength to lift them, and we're left feeling weak and defeated. But that's not what God wants. That's why he sent the Holy Spirit, who in this analogy, acts as our personal trainer. He's constantly there, encouraging us, cheering us on, spotting us. He's advising us when it's time to lift and when it's time to rest. He's reminding us when to take a break to get filled with water (the Living Water, that is), and He's making sure we develop our muscles so that when the heavy things come at us, we've already lifted it. 

That's what it's like every time we respond to temptation. We have the opportunity to either take a gym selfie and bail, or we have the opportunity to start lifting weights. We have the opportunity to start building up muscle and gaining stamina. This is how we get strong against the devil, this is how we rip the authority out of the hands of an already defeated devil. We learn to lift little, and the more we lift the little, the more our strength increases; the more weight we can lift increases. Every time we're tempted, we have the opportunity to pick up a weight. We have the opportunity to lift, even though it might be hard, and keep lifting that weight until it becomes easier. But don't worry, it'll never be too much. The Holy Spirit, your personal trainer, will never let you pick up a weight that you can't lift, that you can't handle. He's training us, guiding us, and teaching us how to become strong. He's developing our muscles through consistency, practice, and repetition. And through that, we gain strength. Soon, the temptations that used to make sweat pour down our backs is making us sigh with relief that that's all we have to lift. Soon, we're looking at temptations we used to freak out at like they're a rubber band and we're looking towards the heavy weights saying "bring it on, I can do all things through Christ." (Phil 4:13)

Even though I said "we" throughout this blog, this blog was definitely for me. I've been battling temptation and giving in, but Jesus is teaching me how to lift. He's showing me that the more I say no to temptation, the more that I lift those weights, the easier it becomes. Every "no" to the devil is a "yes" to the Father, and every rejection of sin is a projection of Jesus. Every time I say no to temptation, every time I offer my obedience as a gift to Jesus, it makes me stronger. So I'm going on with Jesus. I'm lifting the weights that are heavy now, but with confident hope and expectation that my endurance is being built, as well as my strength. Tomorrow, it won't be so hard. Because I'll remember the strength that I had to lift the weights today. 

So, are you in? Let's get spiritually swole. Don't wait, start lifting today.
#gymselfie

"..And God is faithful. He will not allow the temptation to be more than you can stand. When you are tempted, he will show you a way out so that you can endure." -1 Corinthians 10:13 NLT

"If you are faithful in the little things, you will be faithful in the large ones..." -Luke 16:10 NLT

"This High Priest of ours understands our weakness, for he faced all of the same testings we do, yet he did not sin." - Hebrews 4:15 NLT

"For you know that when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow. So let it grow, for when your endurance is fully developed, you will be perfect and complete, needing nothing." -James 1:3-4 NLT

"For God is working in you, giving you the desire and the power to do what pleases Him." -Philippians 2:13 NLT

Look At The Blueprint

It's been a long time since I've blogged. So first let me just run you through a quick little update of what's been going on with me! 

This summer I am on staff at Discovery Camp in Columbus, Texas. I have been given the opportunity to reach thousands of children and be a part of them meeting their Savior in a completely new, personal way. Over one thousand kids have already accepted Jesus as their Savior. It's SO cool. I grew up as a camper at this camp, and the older I got as an intern at this camp. Serving as an intern blessed me SO much over the years and I couldn't wait to be on staff. I was so ready to serve. I knew it'd be hard, I knew I would probably forget what 8 hours of sleep felt like, and I definitely knew I would never take my momma's cooking for granted again. But the thing that I didn't expect, the thing that my heart was NOT prepared for, were the enemy's attacks.

Now, I could probably spend this whole blog giving you the details of all that's come against me since I've been here (like the financial issues, the girl I work with who thinks it's fun to call me stupid and tell me to shut up, the (stupid) constant dissatisfaction with my body I've been battling, or even the car wreck and pain I've been in since). But let me instead just tell you the things that have actually succeeded to discourage me or stop me from what Jesus has called me to: oh wait... that's NOTHING.

You see, the enemy has no power. He never has. The only power he has over you is the power YOU hand him. I decided before this summer that I wouldn't let the enemy prevail, I wouldn't give him any power, and I wouldn't let his petty efforts touch me. You see, satan can't create anything new. He came to steal, kill, and destroy, but he did not come to create. Just like Adam and Eve gave him power when they gave in, we give him power when we give into temptation. Then, after we have surrendered and given things to Jesus, the devil comes back and uses that power we once gave him to try to tempt us again. But it doesn't work UNLESS WE LET IT. Unless we give in. And the power the devil has tried relentlessly to take over me, is the power of doubt, insecurity, and shame. Not doubt, or shame of my Savior- but doubt and shame of myself. The devil constantly throws my mistakes, my shortcomings, and my trip ups in my face. And every time I look at them, every time I look at my life, I get discouraged. My joy starts to run a little on empty. See, I want to please my Savior. I want to be on the right track and I don't want to be giving into temptation or giving the devil any power over my life. And when I look at my life and the mistakes I've made, I see how unworthy I truly am; when I start to look at my unworthiness, instead of my value in Christ, I get discouraged. 

You see, the devil can attempt to destroy Christians all he wants. But wouldn't it make his job so much easier if instead of destroying Christians, he just made a bunch of fake Christians? Then we'd essentially do his job for him. Instead of having less Christians, we would have a bunch of corrupt Christians- claiming to be walking the walk but going through the motions without the hearts behind it. 

I was tempted to look at me, when all I needed to be looking at was the cross. I could look at the times I had stumbled, the times I have deliberately chosen to do the wrong thing this summer, and all of the thoughts that I shouldn't have thought- or I could look at the blood that covers them. I could look at the anguish I'm feeling and the guilt pressing down on me, or I could picture those very same emotions pulsing through the blood of Jesus- the blood that dripped off Him as his life was drained so mine could be full. You see, whenever I look at me, I get disappointed. But when I look at Jesus... sweet, sweet Jesus... I see grace. I see forgiveness. I see love. I see acceptance. I see HOLY.

Another way to look at it is like this: when a builder is building a house, he's looking at a blueprint. He's constructing this house, room by room, trying to make it match this blueprint. Picture that blueprint as Jesus, and our lives are the house. We are constantly constructing our lives to match a blueprint. But what if the builder stopped about halfway through, looked at the house and at the blueprint, saw that it didn't look the same- and got discouraged? What if he gave up building because it wasn't finished yet? 

Well, that's our walk with Jesus. We are constantly building ourselves to look like Jesus. And sometimes, when we stop and look at our progress, we get discouraged because we don't see the finished house yet. Maybe we're still working on individual rooms, like the "room" of compassion for other people, the room of grace and mercy, the room of purity, the room of serving others. But we can't stop building just because we aren't finished yet. We have to keep on, constructing board by board, room by room, until we look just like Jesus. The enemy wants to discourage us. He wants us to give  up and stop building, thinking "this project is too big, I'm never going to finish", when the truth is, if we just take our eyes off of US and put them back on the blueprint (JESUS) and keep building, we will start looking more and more like Jesus. We will have less insecurities, less doubt, less fear, and we will enter into a romance with Jesus unlike anything we have ever imagined. So as I stood there, looking at myself, looking at my mistakes, looking at all my flaws, Jesus whispered to me: "Stop looking at yourself, stop looking at your progress, and look at ME. Look at the blueprint." 

You see, it was never the sin in my life that was the problem anyways. (I know what you're thinking, but bare with me for just a minute). It wasn't the sin, but it was the heart behind it. It wasn't about me throwing up to keep the weight off, it was about the control I needed and the fear of the opinion of others. It wasn't about me crying and moping because somebody made me feel like crap, it was about me listening to their voice more than I listened to Jesus', the voice that told me I was wanted, loved, cherished; pursued. And even to take it a little further, it wasn't about talking back to my daddy when he spoke to me; it was about me not trusting the Holy Spirit to be my advocate and to defend me. Once I fix my heart on God, once I learn to keep my eyes on Jesus all the time and NOT on my own life and my mistakes, time is gonna fly. My house is going to be built so much faster and before I know it, my house is gonna look like the blueprint. I long to see that day. But until then, I'll keep pressing in. Keep loving Jesus. Keep constructing my life, board by board, room by room. I might stumble, but I'm not gonna focus on that. I'm focusing on making my heart like Jesus', I'm focusing on the cross, and I'm focusing on the blueprint. Because I don't know any greater joy than a life lived to pursue Jesus and to look like Jesus. In case you haven't noticed, He's pretty cool. And He's the best at what He does: loving people. And that's a legacy I'd love to leave.

"For God is working in you, giving you the desire and the POWER to do what pleases Him." -Philippians 2:13

That's What Makes You Beautifullllllll ;)

If you read the title of this without bursting out into the One Direction song, I'd be pretty impressed- cause ever since I typed that title I haven't been able to get the chorus out of my head.

My last blog, I became victim of what I like to call "conceited blogging". To be honest with y'all, when I saw that the first day my blog went up it got over 450 hits, I instantly felt like a celebrity; like people were actually curious about what I had to say. I let it feed my ego a little, and the very thing that I was blogging about (identity) was the very thing I began to misplace. I placed my identity (that day) into a sea of words that probably should've just stayed scribbled out in my journal as a personal letter to Jesus.

But "tonight", at 1:29am as I toss in bed, one specific topic plagued my mind. (Actually, to be honest, I made myself coffee at 11:20pm and I haven't even thought about sleep even though I have to be up for church in 5 hours). But the topic that I'm stuck on just happens to be BEAUTY.


I guess this ones gonna be mostly for the girls; but not just any girl. This blog is for the girls who don't want to just grow up to be "women", but want to grow up to be ladies. This ones for the girls who want to be virtuous, who want to be brave; this ones for the girls who still believe in chivalry and class. CLASS is still attainable. Lady-likeness is still attainable. And, believe it or not, even if you can't sew, being a Proverbs 31 woman is still possible (that's why Jesus created seamstresses, even if you aren't one I bet you know where to find one).


I saw this video (link will be on the bottom of this blog), and it was a Dove video about redefining SELFIES. Selfies, of all things. And it really got me thinking. I think about all the little things I do in selfies. And not just selfies, all pictures really. I think about how I self consciously stick a leg out to flatter my body or how I try to stand on the left side because that's where my sidebangs fall on my face and it looks prettier; I think about how I suck in or how I open my eyes wider, how I tilt my head and how I place my hand on my waist to emphasize my smallest parts... and I realized, pictures are so posed. I know you're probably thinking, "duh Anna". But stay with me a minute.

Pictures are so posed. And where do we get our definition of beauty from? Images. Sure, a part of it comes from seeing other girls; girls that are skinnier than us, that wear less makeup than us and still look "less ratchet" then us (oh and by the way, I'm guilty of this too, but in case you weren't aware, a "ratchet" is a tool, not an adjective)... But my point is we constantly are comparing ourselves to that "one in a million shot" that was taken of a model and airbrushed and posed but yet what we compare ourselves to is what we see when we get out of the shower and our faces are red and splotchy and our mascara from the night before has dripped under our eyes and we look like zombies. And then we look in the mirror and we see all these other images of beautiful people flash through our heads... but they are POSED. They aren't necessarily fake (although some are), but they are POSED.


I want to challenge you in a few different ways, because this has what Jesus has put on my heart personally to do. Here goes:

1) Stop comparing your worst to somebody else's best. I realize it's human nature to compare, and although I don't agree with it, I know it's how our minds work. So here's my (hopefully) very realistic challenge. Next time you find yourself comparing yourself to somebody else, I want you to 1) STOP. And then next, I want you to get on the cutest outfit you have, I want you to curl your hair and put on your blush and favorite lipstick and whatever else you like to put on that gorgeous canvas of yours, and then I want you to check yourself out. GIRLLLLL, you be lookin' good. And instead of focusing on the features of that other chick, I want you to focus on YOUR beautiful features. How great you feel in those jeans or that skirt. Pay yourself 5 compliments. You deserve it girl. And might I add, those jeans make your tush look GREATTTT ;)
2) For every feature you don't like, find one you do like. Pretty self explanatory, right? But next time you find yourself staring at that awkward bacne (and for those of you who don't know what that is, those are back pimples that girls sometimes get when they decide to use horse shampoo instead of human shampoo as an experiment to make their hair grow... or at least that was what happened to me one summer- I WILL NEVER GO BACK)...anyways where was I? Next time you find yourself staring at those imperfections, I want you to time yourself. I'm serious. You want to look at your bacne, your big nose, your cellulite, fine. But I challenge you to take twice as much time looking at a feature you love. Look at those sparkly eyeballs. Or those deep chocolate pools of yumminess that girls with dark brown eyes have. Take a second to stop staring at the love handles and look at your neck. Your hands. Your ankles. Your ears. Your hair. That freckle on the inside of your arm that you've always thought was really cute. Focus on the things you like. The more of those you find, the less those little other things will  seem to matter.
3) Don't be afraid to smile. No matter who you are, no matter what your smile looks like, I believe a girl is most beautiful when she is happy. I don't care if you have the least amount of confidence in the world. Do what makes you happy. I mean let's be blunt for a second- even if you were "the ugliest person on the face of the planet", putting the right outfit and right amount of makeup on is only gonna help so much. But if you pursue happiness (my favorite form is actually joy and that's through JESUS...), and you are truly content with who you are and the life you live, you will be absolutely radiant. Confidence, joy, happiness, and peace? Those are what I believe defines beauty, because I believe beauty is actually radiance.

So be radiant, ladies. Shine. Know who you are in Christ. Don't take anything less than you deserve. Stop looking at your insecurities and look to Jesus.
"The Lord is my strength and shield. I trust Him with all my heart. He helps me, and my heart is filled with joy. I burst out in songs of thanksgiving." -Psalm 28:7
I don't know about you, but that verse is pretty beautiful to me. And I can't picture anyone who isn't absolutely beautiful and radiant praying that prayer. So I guess I'm adding one more challenge... make Psalm 28:7 YOUR prayer. Become radiant. Because radiance makes you beautiful.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BFkm1Hg4dTI

I Wannabe a Wannabe.

I think I'll start this blog off by apologizing for the cheesy title. Is "wannabe" an actual word? I'm not sure but I'm probably going to use it a lot today so this is my official disclaimer: if grammar errors severely bother you than this would be your opportunity to stop reading...


I've struggled a lot with identity lately. I don't know who I am exactly, and I still haven't figured out my style. But you wanna know why? I struggle with this SO MUCH because I've grown up in a world that tries to put us into specific groups. If  you wear Ray Ban glasses, skinny jeans, scarves and denim jackets you’re a hipster. If you wear a flannel t-shirt tied around your waist and combat boots, you’re urban. If you wear a hat backwards and low jeans, you’re a thug (…well maybe that last one isn’t too off ;]) . But this world constantly tries to define us by our image, our style, and our peers. That’s not right!


So obviously I would have trouble if I'm seeking for my identity through this world. So what's the opposite of this world? Jesus. And that's where I'm seeking for my identity in now.
You see, this world constantly tells us that our image is defined by who we fit in with. But I challenge that. I'm telling you instead, your image is defined by who (and what) you stand against. I'm not attempting to fit in with any group anymore. My only goal is to be like Jesus. Ephesians 4:15 says "Rather, speaking the truth in love, we are to grow up in every way into Him who is the head, into Christ."


We are to grow up to be like Jesus. Did you know that it is possible to be fully consumed with Jesus? We can be exactly like Jesus! That's why Jesus had to be born as a human. To show us that it IS possible to be like Him. So it's no longer me trying to fit into a mold, now it's me letting Jesus mold me into Him. And how do I do that? By reading the Bible. By pursuing Jesus. By pressing into His word. By learning little stories about Jesus. By examining his character and by asking Jesus to reveal Himself to me.

I've always been the one who's stressed out about "witnessing". As Christians, we're supposed to tell people who aren't saved about Jesus. But I'm changing that for myself. Instead of that, I'm just going to SHOW THEM. I'll still talk to people about Jesus, sure. But instead of putting the emphasis on that, I'm putting the emphasis on LOOKING like Jesus. Not just talking about Him. I want to influence people, but I don't want to influence them to be like me, I want to influence them to look like Jesus.

One of the most heartbreaking memories I have is with one of my friends. One night we were hanging out. We were sitting, eating, and he was high. And he started talking to me about smoking. He was just kind of rambling, but then he told me "I know people think getting high is so wrong. But I do it because when I'm messed up, I don't think about all the crap going on in my life. I'm just happy".

I paraphrased that a little due to his choice words. But that absolutely broke my heart. I wish he could see the purpose of his life. If he knew who he was, his gifts, his talents, and what he could accomplish, I don't believe he'd still be in that place. I don't believe he'd still be sitting at a table getting stoned out of his mind and searching for opportunities to forget his sucky home life, I believe he'd rise up and CHANGE THINGS. He'd break the mold, the family curse, and he would begin to see that his life has VALUE. And that's the cry of my heart. To help others see that they have value. But how on earth can I expect to do that if I can't see my own?!

So my latest challenge? I want to learn everything about Jesus. I want to want to be like Jesus. I want to never stop thinking "WWJD", because I want my life to reflect Jesus. My VALUE was determined the day Jesus laid His life down on the cross. But my identity will be found in Jesus. And I won't stop searching until He is completely fulfilled in me. When my life reflects Jesus', maybe I won't be so concerned with what I look like, but instead who I look like.

So now? The cry of my heart? You guessed it, the title of this blog- I wannabe a wannabe. I want-to want-to be like JESUS.

More Food, Please.

God made so many great things. But one of my favorite things He provided for us just so happens to be FOOD. I love food. Spicy food, sweet food, savory food, all food. And steak. In my opinion, steak doesn't really fall under the category of "food", but more under "heavenly signs, miracles, and wonders"... Oh my lantaaaaa. Is your mouth watering too?!

Well anyways. I promise didn't intend to blog about steak, but when you're a poor college student that's one of those things you fantasize about. Forget boys. I want steak.


In my last blog, I told y'all about a period of time where I tried to satisfy my flesh. I was living on the wild side, having "fun", right? Well the thing that really straight up sucks about being a Christian and living on the wild side is that you have to teach yourself how to tune out Jesus. If you want to enjoy living in the world, you have to learn to ignore Jesus' voice. And when you start ignoring Jesus' voice, not only do you not hear it when you're sinning, but it also makes it significantly more difficult to hear it when you aren't sinning as well. I stopped hearing Jesus' voice. Jesus was my best friend, and I couldn't even hear his voice.

Jesus was the person who taught me about my value. Jesus is the one who took the blades out of my hands after 2 years of a cutting addiction and told me I AM TREASURED. So you can imagine what happened when I started tuning him out and looking to others to see my value. I COULDN'T SEE IT. I had already traded in my joy for "worldly fun", so where do you think I put my identity in? This world. How stupid was I.


This world has a pretty jacked up idea of value. This world likes to tell you that value is determined by desire. But let me assure you, your value will never rest in who desires you or how much you are pursued, your value lies solely in the blood of Jesus Christ, the blood that truly would've still been shed even if you were the only one that it would save. I know it's "cliché" and people say it all the time, but it's TRUE. Jesus would've died for just YOU. That is where your value lies.


But of course the world won't tell you that. The world will tell you that you won't be desired unless you have a thigh gap, a DD chest, a Barbie sized waist and a Beyoncé sized butt. And all of the sudden I began obsessing. I used to be pretty confident. But that was when I was listening to Jesus. Suddenly instead of Jesus, the voice I heard in my head was a voice I should've never let around me in the first place. That voice told me I was fat. So I, Anna Quinn, 5'4 and 126lbs, bought into the lie that I was fat. I didn't think I could be desired. So I decided to starve myself. But that didn't work, because I'm Anna and I love food. So I began overeating. And then I would force myself to throw up. Daily. Multiple times. After I threw up, I would eat again. I literally trained myself to feel physically ill every time I ate. I developed this mindset of, "why have one cookie, when I could have three and then just throw up after?" So I began overeating and then purging. I would eat all the time. I would feel sad constantly because I would look at myself, and all I could only see where my thighs bulged out or where the excess fat was. So I would eat more, to comfort me. And then I would throw up. And then feel sad. And eat. And throw up. I would often just stare in a mirror. Sometimes I would cry. It became an endless cycle, and it was so unhealthy. I began to hate how I looked. I became bitter. If you were confident, if you were skinny, chances are I was bitter towards YOU. I'm sorry.


But tonight I laid that down at the altar. TONIGHT starts a change. And tonight, I'm HUNGRY. But not just hungry for physical food. I'm hungry for spiritual food. I want more of Jesus. Tonight I gave my heart back to Jesus. And I heard from Him. For the first time in awhile, I actually heard from my Jesus. Oh, how I missed my best friend. I missed laughing during our conversations, and then laughing even more when I realized how stupid I probably look just randomly laughing... But that's the relationship I have with Jesus. He just blows my mind. He knows my heart. And I'm learning His.

To update you, today starts a new journey. I have lots of healthy food in my fridge and I'm ready to start putting GOOD food into my body; food that I can keep in my body without any guilt. I'm sure I'll have to eat small portions at first and train myself to be able to splurge every now and then without feeling sick. But this time, I'm doing it with Jesus. I'm listening to His voice. And I'm praying that He'll teach me how to be healthy and treat my body like a temple. Because it is ;)

So as I sit here, sipping on my shake (one banana, a handful of spinach, kale, vanilla soy milk AND vanilla protein powder) which actually happens to be pretty dang good, I thank God for the food that is going into my stomach to STAY there. But even more so, I thank Him for the SPIRITUAL food that He's putting in my stomach. The revelations He's giving me. I WILL NEVER HEAR FROM HIM ENOUGH. So my prayer tonight? You guessed it; it's the title of this blog.

More Food, Please.

My name is...?

If you had asked me three years ago, my introduction would've sounded a little like this. "I'm Anna Quinn. I'm 15 years old. I love Jesus... but I'm curious. I only know one way of life... and there are so many more out there. I'm 15 and I'm on the road to finding myself." But the thing about trying to find yourself in this world is that you end up finding exactly who you want to find; and when you're not exactly sure who you want that to be, you end up letting the world choose for you. Yeah, you can always be forgiven and restored and molded into a new creation... but you might just find yourself down the road struggling to forgive YOURSELF for the mistakes you made while on that journey. But that's a whole other story...


If you had asked me 6 months ago, I would've told you something similar. "I'm Anna Quinn; child of the Most High God. Faithful servant. But confused. I'm confused because I've seen Jesus. I've seen how amazing life with Him can be. But I still feel like I'm missing out, I feel like something hasn't been fulfilled." Little did I know that the "fulfillment" that I was so desperate for was actually the voice of the enemy tempting me to slip back into his clutches. I quickly became bitter. I lived one foot in the world, one foot out. I was reading my Bible, attending church willingly, pursuing Jesus. But I was flirting with satan; with pleasure; with satisfaction of my flesh. Without going into detail, I was looking for fulfillment in the things that I thought would distract me from my current situations. But no worries, I did a pretty good job at hiding it. I even had myself convinced I was okay. But I was slowly becoming bitter. See, I knew the things I was thinking and doing behind closed doors. I knew the thoughts I was entertaining. And you know what really tanked about it all? Passionately despising hypocrisy, and knowing that that was the very thing I had become.

I was living like a hypocrite. I was slipping.  My secret struggles were eating me alive. I desired to be an example, but the only thing I became was a statistic; a statistic of someone who claimed to love God but hurt Him like they didn't even care. That is not how you treat somebody you love.

And here I am today. 18 years old. If you ask me today, my answer might sound a little like the others, but bear with me. I'm Anna Quinn. 18. And I don't really know who I am. But it's okay. Let me tell you why; I'm LEARNING. And the reason it's taking so long? I'm not deciding on who I want to be. I've already decided: I want to be like Jesus. But it's taking a little longer than average, because I have to learn every attribute of Jesus. You see, I've dedicated my whole life to learning to be like Jesus. I will never know enough about Him, and I will never be enough like Him. So it's a pursuit. Every day, I wake up and I have to consciously choose that I want to be like Jesus. I want to rejoice in what He rejoices in. I want joy like He had. I want to love this world the way He loved this world. If I loved this world like Jesus, maybe the little things wouldn't matter so much. Maybe I wouldn't have road rage, maybe my heart would fill with compassion for the people driving 5 under in the passing lane...

Okay let's not go too far. I'm just saying, I don't know who I am yet. But that's okay. Because not only do I know who I want to be like, but I know Him personally. And I have his autobiography. Sure, my flesh isn't satisfied. But the more I pursue Jesus, the more my spirit is satisfied. And I'd rather live with that satisfaction, than 360 days of discontentment and 5 nights of "fun" to attempt to satisfy a worldly desire that is only going to grow the more I feed it. And that's a place I'm completely okay with being in.

I'm Anna Quinn. 18. And I don't know who I am. But I know where to find out.