SEX.

Well… I got your attention didn’t I? Today’s blog is about something incredibly personal… my past experiences with sex and where it has brought me today: December 19^th, 3:11AM, laying in bed still awake because my mind won’t stop processing my past.

GUILT; FEAR OF DISAPPOINTMENT; FEAR OF FALLING SHORT; FEAR OF LETTING SOMEONE DOWN; all of these were the factors pulsing through my veins in that moment.

See, my past experiences with sex have not been healthy.

My first experience: The guy I was dating at the time forced it in and told me that it was my fault because I had constantly teased him and never “took care of him” sexually. He told me that “blue balls are painful” – that after a man is turned on, if the situation isn’t “rectified” (LOL) that there was a lot of discomfort for the guy.

Years later, it happened again. I had a couple drinks that night; I didn’t even remember going home with the guy I had met. And when I woke up next to him half dressed and fully ashamed, it took everything I had inside of me to hold the tears in until I got to my car. I got to my car; sobbed, bawled, opened the door and wretched. And then… I “toughened up”. I hardened. I realized I had places to be and things to do and I had to ignore this. I had to focus elsewhere. I had to be strong. I wiped my face, put the car in drive, and moved forward.

Multiple times after that I found myself in situations where I had lost control. Situations where the guy would push me for sex and I would say no but then he would start doing what I had told him not to and I would just stop resisting. I’d say no a few times or even maybe just once sometimes but I would feel so bad because I would remember that first experience – I would remember that this was my fault. I had put myself in a bad position, so I wouldn’t fight it anymore. I would just tune out and go numb because I knew if he was turned on then I had confused him and it was my fault he deserved to get some. I felt like I had done this to myself, like I deserved it. And I just tuned out and went numb. Sometimes I cried silent tears, and sometimes I just froze and stayed still.

Years later, I found myself in a serious relationship - one that I was deeply invested in for all the wrong reasons. I knew that lust was a huge driver in the relationship; it had been from early on. But we had bonded and “soul tied” and I knew him and I felt his pain and understood his heart. I had seen his brokenness and I just wanted to heal it and help it and bring him to where I knew he could be. He had been done wrong by so many people and I just wanted to show him what kindness and compassion looked like. He was handsome and sweet and I saw all of the beautiful parts of him; I wanted the best for him.

The last night we were technically together, we were in a sticky situation. We hadn’t told his family that we were breaking up due to the circumstances surrounding the situation, and so that night we were with his family we danced together and laughed and had fun (and drank, a LOT…LOL).  Whatever it took to put on my happy face and appear composed; whatever it took to wipe my face, put the car in drive and keep moving.

That night when we got back to the hotel room, I couldn’t do it anymore. We had been pretending all night. We started kissing but my heart was shattered. I said stop. He, knowing my past, told me “so you’re just going to turn me on and leave me like this”? He got angry. He complained that he was going to have to go to the bathroom and handle it himself and I said okay and started sobbing into the pillow. He came back out, persisting that I not leave him like that and I take care of him. So I did. We had sex, and I was crying the whole entire time: shaking, broken, vulnerable. But the next day, around his family - I wiped my face and kept moving forward.

That seems to be the common theme, huh? Every time I have these traumatic events, I put a face on and I move forward. I never express my brokenness. I never stand up for myself. I never leave the car in park, I never ask for help, and I DEFINITELY never give myself an allowance for pain. I never allow myself to HEAL.

If you have a flat tire, it starts with a noise/ imbalance/ a weird feeling in the car. If you keep driving, there’s only so much rubber on the tire before you start grinding the rim. Once you’ve made it to the rim you have very little time before your rim is bent and shredded and you find yourself spinning out of control. I think for a very long time, I’ve been driving on a rim. I think I’ve been really close to spinning out of control because I just want to act like nothing has happened and keep moving forward. And somehow, by the grace of God, that rim has stayed and I’ve kept moving forward- shaky, imbalanced, but seemingly safe moving forward. But it’s time to pull over.

It’s like I’ve been scared to pull over because I know that the second I do, I have to deal with the damage that I’ve been driving on for so long. I know I’ve made things worse, I know I ignored the warning signs, and I’m scared to see the mess I’ve made and the damage I’ve caused. And I couldn’t help but wonder who else out there has been driving around on their rim.

FAST FORWARD to my last relationship. I remember one day, driving to Joshua’s and getting a flat tire. I called Josh and told him, and he told me to stay put; he was coming to change my tire for me. I’m independent so I wanted to have the tire changed before he even got there. But my jack was broken -  I didn’t have the right tools. I was unprepared. Josh showed up and changed my tire and I remember getting in my car after and just sobbing. I felt so loved and so overwhelmed and undeserving. I remember seeing him on the ground under my car getting dirty, changing my tire when I knew I was perfectly capable of doing it myself if he just gave me the tools, but accepting that he loved me enough NOT TO LET ME.

See, we’re so scared to pull over because we think we’re going to have to fix the damage we’ve caused. The truth is, when we pull over, not only has God been waiting on the side of the road for us, but He’s not just going to give us the tools so we can get dirty / fix things on our own. The second we stop driving and let God handle our situation, He gets on the ground and starts going to work. He’s the one getting His hands dirty, He’s the one doing the work, He’s the one cleaning up our mess and we just stand there protected and safe… watching as He handles things.

We think we have it so bad because of the mess that we’ve made and the messes we live in. We get in these pity parties and we focus on all the negatives but the King of Kings, the most High and the most Royal is waiting to lay down for us- to get His hands messy cleaning up after US. He fixes our problems, no matter what it takes. He fixes the tire or tows the car or replaces the rim or WHATEVER the proper analogy is here – He just HANDLES it. And we stand there, watching. YEAH we’re stressed, yeah we’re emotional, but HE HANDLES IT. But He can NOT handle it while you’re still driving. You HAVE to pull over. You HAVE to let Him handle it. You HAVE to stop driving. It’s not strength anymore, it’s stupidity. You can not keep driving on a busted tire, and you cannot keep trying to love with a broken heart.

When souls have been tied, it takes a lot of intentional love and restoration and fixing that can only come from the Father. There is a healing process that has to take place when the souls are ripped apart. You cannot keep driving through this process.

Step back. Let Jesus heal your heart. He died for you. He loves you. He heals you.

“He was despised and rejected – a man of sorrows, acquainted with deepest grief. We turned our backs on him and looked the other way. He was despised, and we did not care. Yet it was our weaknesses he carried; it was our sorrows that weighed him down. And we thought his troubles were a punishment from God, a punishment for his own sins! But He was pierced for our rebellion, crushed for our sins. He was beaten so we could be whole. He was whipped so we could be healed. All of us, like sheep, have strayed away. We have left God’s paths to follow our own. Yet the Lord laid on him the sins of us all. He was oppressed and treated harshly, yet He never said a word. He was led like a lamb to the slaughter. And as sheep is silent before the shearers, he did not open his mouth. Unjustly condemned, he was led away. No one cared that he died without descendants, that his life was cut short in midstream. But he was struck down for the rebellion of my people. He had done no wrong and had never deceived anyone. But He was buried like a criminal; He was put in a rich mans grave. But it was the Lord’s good plan to crush him and cause him grief. Yet when his life is made an offering for sin, he will have many descendants. He will enjoy a long life, and the Lord’s good plan will prosper in his hands. When He sees all that is accomplished by his anguish, he will be satisfied…” (Isaiah 53:3-11)

God’s not done with you. He has a good plan. What you think is the death of you and what you think is the end is God’s good plan. What you think has been stolen is going to be restored. It SEEMED like Jesus’ life had been stolen, like he wouldn’t have descendants and like His life was over so YOUNG. But now He is alive and well at the right hand of the Father and He has many descendants – every person that He died for that decides to STOP DRIVING and let JESUS take over becomes His descendant.  Jesus WANTS you to let go of the burdens you’ve been carrying and let Him handle your life. Let him make your story beautiful.  He’s ready to do the work… you just have to pull over.

“Come to Me, all who are weary and heavy burdened, and I will give you rest.” (Matthew 11:28)