Wednesday. I wake up at 3:30AM. Probably 3:35 because I usually sleep through my alarms and wake up on my backup alarm. I wish I could do my hair but it's still a little wet because I didn't get to shower till past midnight and rolled into bed shortly after. I throw on foundation to cover my skin (it's broken out from an allergic reaction and won't clear up because the stress I'm under) and quickly change into my work uniform. I pack my bag for the day: clothes for school, workout clothes, and glasses because my contacts never last as long as I do. I grab my lunchbox (with the meals I prepared 4 hours before) and head out the door.
By the time I get to work at Golds, my spirits are lifted. Worship does your soul so much good. It's 4:30A.M. and the gym opener arrives. I get inside, write up training programs, and then start training. As soon as I finish training, I rush downstairs, change into clothes for school and rush to school.
As soon as I get to school I clock in. 8:30A.M- 7PM. I need to graduate so I take a few 5 minute breaks throughout the day but never a lunch. I'll have 2-4 coffees but the caffeine doesn't effect me anymore. I service client after client, my passion for hair and beauty lost in my exhaustion. I feel unwelcome bitterness towards my role but never towards my customers. I ask Jesus to soften my heart but yet I know I won't allow Him to because if He did I might break.
I get out of school and drive straight back to work at Golds Gym. I service a couple more clients. I take pre-workout to give me energy and I kill my workout. I go home. If I had enough money to grocery shop the days before I cook food. If not I go to the grocery store and figure out what I can afford to eat for tomorrow. I get home, I cook, clean up, shower, and get ready to repeat it all tomorrow.
Who's making me to do this? Nobody. But I know what I need to do to make it, I know what I need to do to survive. And I know this is just a season in my life. But I've lost the fire behind it because I have no more fuel. I am burned out. I am exhausted and every day I am fighting to stay awake, to stay positive, to be a light.
Jesus never asked me to live like this. Jesus wants me free. Jesus wants me whole; rested; revived. But how can I do that when every time I'm in His presence I feel like I'm playing catch up; how can I do that when every time I'm with Him I fall asleep? It's hardly a relationship when I can't do my part, right?
WRONG.
That's not what this faith is about. That's not what this relationship is based on. If my relationship with Christ was based on my works then it wouldn't even exist in the first place. There's not enough money in the world to buy His love, not enough good works to merit His grace and mercy and not enough effort to earn His attention. BUT HE IS STILL THERE. FIERCELY, RELENTLESSLY pursuing me. Not giving up. Longing for me. Treasuring our moments. Crying when I cry. Loving me endlessly. Fighting on my behalf. Blessing me. Speaking to me RIGHT NOW even though I know I don't deserve the reassurance. Harnessing me in. Reminding me of the simple fact that when I feel too weak to hold on.. It's okay, because He's not going to let go.
Jesus will not let go of you because you feel like you aren't doing enough. He's with you; He's FOR you - because He died for you. And He would do it again. He doesn't chose when to love you because He always loves you. He sees your heart. That's what He's been reminding me today. Don't be discouraged. Jesus is still pursuing you. It doesn't matter what season you're in because He isn't asking you to carry the burden alone. He said "Come to ME all who are weary and heavy burdened and I will give you rest." (Matthew 11:28) And He will give you the strength to come to Him!! "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." (Philippians 4:13)
So no matter what's going on in your life, KEEP GOING TO JESUS. If you can't RUN, walk. If you can't walk, crawl. If you fall, Jesus will strengthen you. You can keep going. Know He loves you. Know it isn't about what you give Him but what He gave you. He gave you hope, restoration, rest, peace; He gave you eternal life.
So with that being said, stop waiting. Lean on Jesus. Start living.
Xoxo,
Anna Quinn
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