More Food, Please.

God made so many great things. But one of my favorite things He provided for us just so happens to be FOOD. I love food. Spicy food, sweet food, savory food, all food. And steak. In my opinion, steak doesn't really fall under the category of "food", but more under "heavenly signs, miracles, and wonders"... Oh my lantaaaaa. Is your mouth watering too?!

Well anyways. I promise didn't intend to blog about steak, but when you're a poor college student that's one of those things you fantasize about. Forget boys. I want steak.


In my last blog, I told y'all about a period of time where I tried to satisfy my flesh. I was living on the wild side, having "fun", right? Well the thing that really straight up sucks about being a Christian and living on the wild side is that you have to teach yourself how to tune out Jesus. If you want to enjoy living in the world, you have to learn to ignore Jesus' voice. And when you start ignoring Jesus' voice, not only do you not hear it when you're sinning, but it also makes it significantly more difficult to hear it when you aren't sinning as well. I stopped hearing Jesus' voice. Jesus was my best friend, and I couldn't even hear his voice.

Jesus was the person who taught me about my value. Jesus is the one who took the blades out of my hands after 2 years of a cutting addiction and told me I AM TREASURED. So you can imagine what happened when I started tuning him out and looking to others to see my value. I COULDN'T SEE IT. I had already traded in my joy for "worldly fun", so where do you think I put my identity in? This world. How stupid was I.


This world has a pretty jacked up idea of value. This world likes to tell you that value is determined by desire. But let me assure you, your value will never rest in who desires you or how much you are pursued, your value lies solely in the blood of Jesus Christ, the blood that truly would've still been shed even if you were the only one that it would save. I know it's "cliché" and people say it all the time, but it's TRUE. Jesus would've died for just YOU. That is where your value lies.


But of course the world won't tell you that. The world will tell you that you won't be desired unless you have a thigh gap, a DD chest, a Barbie sized waist and a Beyoncé sized butt. And all of the sudden I began obsessing. I used to be pretty confident. But that was when I was listening to Jesus. Suddenly instead of Jesus, the voice I heard in my head was a voice I should've never let around me in the first place. That voice told me I was fat. So I, Anna Quinn, 5'4 and 126lbs, bought into the lie that I was fat. I didn't think I could be desired. So I decided to starve myself. But that didn't work, because I'm Anna and I love food. So I began overeating. And then I would force myself to throw up. Daily. Multiple times. After I threw up, I would eat again. I literally trained myself to feel physically ill every time I ate. I developed this mindset of, "why have one cookie, when I could have three and then just throw up after?" So I began overeating and then purging. I would eat all the time. I would feel sad constantly because I would look at myself, and all I could only see where my thighs bulged out or where the excess fat was. So I would eat more, to comfort me. And then I would throw up. And then feel sad. And eat. And throw up. I would often just stare in a mirror. Sometimes I would cry. It became an endless cycle, and it was so unhealthy. I began to hate how I looked. I became bitter. If you were confident, if you were skinny, chances are I was bitter towards YOU. I'm sorry.


But tonight I laid that down at the altar. TONIGHT starts a change. And tonight, I'm HUNGRY. But not just hungry for physical food. I'm hungry for spiritual food. I want more of Jesus. Tonight I gave my heart back to Jesus. And I heard from Him. For the first time in awhile, I actually heard from my Jesus. Oh, how I missed my best friend. I missed laughing during our conversations, and then laughing even more when I realized how stupid I probably look just randomly laughing... But that's the relationship I have with Jesus. He just blows my mind. He knows my heart. And I'm learning His.

To update you, today starts a new journey. I have lots of healthy food in my fridge and I'm ready to start putting GOOD food into my body; food that I can keep in my body without any guilt. I'm sure I'll have to eat small portions at first and train myself to be able to splurge every now and then without feeling sick. But this time, I'm doing it with Jesus. I'm listening to His voice. And I'm praying that He'll teach me how to be healthy and treat my body like a temple. Because it is ;)

So as I sit here, sipping on my shake (one banana, a handful of spinach, kale, vanilla soy milk AND vanilla protein powder) which actually happens to be pretty dang good, I thank God for the food that is going into my stomach to STAY there. But even more so, I thank Him for the SPIRITUAL food that He's putting in my stomach. The revelations He's giving me. I WILL NEVER HEAR FROM HIM ENOUGH. So my prayer tonight? You guessed it; it's the title of this blog.

More Food, Please.